Whiny, insecure and needy are the words I would use to describe me right now.
When My Bride and I have our text conversations, my spirits are truly uplifted. The conversations end at random times though. I find myself telling a story or giving what I think to be important information only to have no response. When we were together I never thought anything if it. Since we’ve been separated, it’s another story. I generally interpret her silence as a negative reaction to what I’ve been writing. “I did something to upset her” goes pounding throughout my mind.
I brought it up to her a few moments ago. “I realize I must have been saying or writing things that have upset you. When this happens, will you please let me know. I really want to work on that” was my initial text. My Bride, in her usual way, responded brilliantly. Ok, but what did you do to upset me? Translation-
We had a pretty nice conversation about my earlier post. She said it was a good post, but she disagreed with most of it. I’m not prolonging our separation so I can have fun.
That was something I clearly wrote poorly. I guess what I was trying to say is she’s delaying our reuniting because she’s trying to get as much her time as possible before we get back together. An even better way to outbid is that she’s trying to get as much self-care in before we reunite. She didn’t really have anything to say about that.
Our conversation turned somewhere I didn’t anticipate. She’s sad that I’m so jealous of her sister. That’s true, I am incredibly jealous. My Bride is getting virtually all happiness and joy from the time she spends with her sister. Should I apologize for that? She should NOT apologize for that. I’m jealous because I don’t meet that need. At all.
I’m currently incapable of bringing joy to My Bride. It’s almost like I FORGOT how to be happy and be joyful with others during this 5 year depression I just came out of. What a terrible thing. I USED to be the guy who could make friends with anyone at any time. I was a guy that always had a joke and had the ability to be the life of the party. Now I’m that jackass who sits alone and casts judgmental looks at everyone. “What’s wrong with that guy?” “Oh, he’s that dude that just sits around and looks pissed off all the time.” I’d like to be happy guy again.
I tried and tried to explain why I was so jealous. I’m not jealous of her sister. I’m jealous of the situation. It doesn’t matter who My Bride is hanging out with. It’s that I’m not the one hanging out with her. It pretty much comes down to me feeling inadequate.
My feelings of inadequacy will be difficult to fix. I’ve been this way for a long time, about five years. My confidence is gone, I have a pretty negative outlook on things professionally, romantically I’m dead and when we used to have sex I felt very inadequate. I even think a good deal of My Bride being sexually dormant has a lot to do with my lack of ability to bring her to the big ‘O without battery operated devices.
One last thing that troubles me. I don’t know what’s acceptable when dealing with My Bride. What is ok to say, or do? What am I allowed to talk about? What does she mean when she says I’m smothering her? When is it ok to try and kiss or even hug her? I’m playing a game without knowing the rules. I keep asking for the rules, I’m never given an answer yet I’m held accountable when I break the rules. How am I supposed to work on things when I don’t know the problem?
The biggest problem in our relationship, in my mind at least, is not sex or intimacy. There are two major issues. Communicating/reacting without hurting each other’s feelings and trust. I know that I being a lot of baggage when it comes to communicating and reacting in a hurtful way. That’s the number one reason I’m writing from Brother’s apartment. My Bride has some of the load to carry as well. While I communicate in a hurtful way, she has a hard time letting me know things that trouble her. She is more comfortable keeping negative things from me than to deal with my reactions. She has had very good reason to do that. However, I can’t fix something if I don’t know there’s a problem. Our biggest challenge is learning to alert one another to problems without me blowing up. There has got to be a way. There are millions of people, just like me, that deal with BPD. They don’t all end up hurting their spouse. Common sense tells me there IS a way through this mine field.
Because of my negative/explosive emotional overreactions, My Bride has to walk on eggshells around me. That’s her favorite analogy for this. However, since we’ve been separated, I too must walk on eggshells. I’m equally confused and uneducated on what to do.
Mindfulness is supposed to be my biggest tool. I’m still trying to figure out what the heck that even means though. “Slow down and be mindful of what’s going on” is my most common assignment. What about when I’m slipping our of control? That does happen. I lose it and get totally engrossed by my emotions. Like a runaway train I keep picking up speed. Eventually there’s a crash. Mangled emotions and destroyed trust are strewn about the place. That’s what scares My Bride and it scares the hell out of me.
The only solution I have is to pray to God. Father God, I pray you deliver me from this mental illness. Keep my mind alert and my heart open. Where there is anger, breathe kindness into my spirit. Where there is confusion, give me peace. Where there is fear, make me bold. Where I have doubt, make me confident. God, I give my mind to you. I give my marriage to you. I’m unable to carry this load. I need you to do it for me. Father God, I pray you bring trust and respect back to our marriage. I pray you bring me joy again and I that you deliver me from the attacks from the enemy. Bring peace to My Bride. Give her a spirit of boldness and strength. God, I pray you make her prosperous and successful and that you make our marriage whole.