I’ve had enormous set back over the past day. Last night My Bride and I spent about 3 hours together.
As I was driving to our home, my mind repeatedly told me to keep the conversation light. It’s a 30 minute drive from where I’m staying to our home. I wracked my brain trying to come up with a funny story or a joke. 30 minutes and I came up empty.
I walked in and there she was, in her normal spot on the couch and under a blanket. Her sister was sitting in my normal spot. I sat beside My Bride and we began to talk. Sister-In-Law took her cue and split. It was just the two of us.
Before I go any further, I need to inform you of my mindset. I was excited, I asked her to hang out and she agreed. I began imagining things. Perhaps we’ll kiss as we did last week, maybe even make out a little. Who knows, maybe even…
We had been sitting beside each other, chatting, for some time. She looked at me and said, I don’t think I’m going to be ready on the 6th. I’m beginning to think I need more time. I instantly crumbled. Tears rolled down my face as she spoke. I don’t know when I’ll be ready. I know I’m not ready for you to be here yet and I’m sure not ready to be physical. More tears.
The thoughts racing through my head were pretty severe. The night we separated I was convinced the separation was just a formality. She was going through with it so she could say she tried everything and this was just a less painful way to the end. When she said she didn’t think she would be ready, that original fear came SCREAMING to the front of my mind. As fast as it entered it left. Something clicked in my head and told me I was being irrational. I said that exact thing to My Bride when it happened. It was an abrupt phenomenon too.
My Bride saw how her words had affected me. She said she wasn’t trying to hurt me and I knew that. She even went as far as to say we’ll just evaluate on the 6th as we had planned. That was pretty nice of her and it calmed me down.
The rest of our evening was supervised. Sister-In-Law returned and spent our remaining time with us. “I wonder if they had so we kind of system cooked up to bail her out if things went downhill. She left a few minutes into my visit, came home, left again and after my crying she came back and spent the rest of the night with us” was speeding through my mind.
I got up to go to the rest room and when I returned, My Bride started to stet h and yawn. That is her unspoken sign that she’s finished and going to bed. I was keenly aware that our evening was at an end. We kissed and said goodnight.
When I got to my temporary bed, I couldn’t sleep. This has been a problem since I’ve been away and it’s worsening. I ended up staying up through the night. Son2 needed my help with a job he was doing at 7:30 this morning. I grabbed a box of doughnuts and headed home. I put the doughnuts on the table, took off my shows and promptly got into bed with My Bride.
As I was getting in bed, My Bride ed over and asked what I was doing. “I’m getting in bed” and she rolled back over. I was watching her sleep for the longest time. I was having a hard time calming down, my heart was pounding. She opened her eyes and asked if I had slept any. I told her I hadn’t and why I hadn’t; I miss her presence.
As My Bride closed her eyes again, I put my hands on her waist over the blanket. A few minutes later she rolled into the spooning position. Out of habit (maybe/probably desire) I snuggled up and put my arm around her. A few minutes later, as she was stretching, I slipped my hand into her shirt and held her on her bare skin. I was in heaven. The next thing I know, I’m being awakened.
We were all leaving when we embraced and briefly kissed. As she was about to drive off I asked her to stop so I could tell her something. After I did, she hit me again. I really don’t think I’ll be ready on the 6th. My heart sank as she drove off.
We had a pretty long text exchange hours later. I told her how confused I had gotten and she said she was going to write down her thoughts and feelings for me later tonight. THAT set off alarms in my mind.
Why does she have to wait?
Why does she have to write them?
Is this so I can’t respond after bed?
Is this her way of dumping me?
Is there something I’m not thinking of?
Any alternate explanations?
Those last 2 are new to my list. That is one of my new tools showing up and it worked! I able to chill out.
She called and we discussed it out. Come to find out, she’s not comfortable with me sliding into the sack with her at this stage of our separation. It apparently destroys a boundary. Of course I pointed out that boundary had not been set, but it was dumb and I knew it. I was fishing for a chuckle.
We decided, again, that we’re seeing way too much of each other. I asked for a meeting via text, to officially set expectations and boundaries. I have no idea what’s expected of me. For example, at our house, where can I go and what can I do? Can we phone each other? Can I go into our room?
We finally settled on a contact plan. Wednesday is a coke date and we will have a real date during the weekend. Contact, mostly via text, is acceptable and encouraged.
My Bride also asked me to get some sleep. You need to take something so you can sleep because your sleep deprivation is affecting you in a major way. Would you be ok with thanking a Seroquel or something? We can’t really discuss anything very deeply because your mind is really clouded by your lack of sleep.
I agreed to
get high take the knock out pill so we could hammer things out.
As always, my perceived situation is not anywhere near as dire as imagined. I’ll be darned.