This is a horrible weekend already. Have spent every holiday with My Bride since 1990 when I graduated high school. 90% of those shared times has been spent with her family. As a victim of abuse, I wasn’t exactly keen on chillin’ with my parents. By the time we married two years later the arrangement just stuck.
My Bride and I are separated and she wants minimal contact. That means I’ll be spending this 3 day weekend alone. I know full well that there will be a family get together and I’m not going to be involved. As a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, that’s an unbelievably difficult pill to swallow.
I have a tendency to beat myself up. There’s quite a lot of that documented throughout this blog. It’s something I’m supposed to stay away from but it’s immensely difficult right now. I’m sad and alone with no relief in sight. I’m in a pretty tough place right now.
For 5 years I was in a deep, deep depression. During that time I’ve been through 3 jobs, 4 nervous breakdowns, 3 suicide attempts and hospitalization. Oh yeah, I also disclosed my porn addiction (she already knew) and infidelity. Our marriage was on the rocks, pummeled by the waves of anguish. Our separation was the most difficult thing I have ever encountered. Somehow, in the midst of the terrible pain, I came out of the depression. I’m encountering an incredibly eclectic set of emotions. Joy, freedom from darkness and absolute emotional pain all wrapped into one.
Today has been a tough start to the weekend. I knew this was coming, but wasn’t anticipating the amount of pain that was coming. I’ve tasked myself with cleaning my brother’s apartment. Being in the state it is, I should have at least one day of business.
This is the point in my blog posts where I typical insert the lessons I’ve learned by writing. I got nothin.