May I Have This Dance?

The week has been very bipolar. I started sky high, the weekend was astonishing, intimacy was built. Over the week, however, My Bride withdrew in a major way. We went from incredibly close to incredibly distant. She had her first post-separation therapy session on Tuesday. I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or not, but the distancing began accelerating immediately after her session. Maybe that’s the irrationality of my mind, maybe it’s solid analysis. I’ll never know.

This morning began oddly. My Bride sent me a text stating she called in sick today. It’s the last day of school. Yesterday was highly emotional for her. She said she couldn’t say anymore goodbyes.

I know she was hurting. I know she was crying. She didn’t tell me, we’ve been together for 25 years. Even I can notice this kind of thing.

My immediate thought was to pull her close and hold her. I asked if I could see her. No. I was really surprised at being shot down so abruptly. She texted back a few things trying to soften the blow but it wasn’t necessary.

“I just wanted to comfort you.”
Comfort is hard for me to take from anyone. I don’t want hugs, snuggles or anything like that for some reason. From anyone.

“If you don’t want to hug or kiss, why do you hug and kiss me when we part? I don’t understand.”
I don’t mind that at all.

“Now I’m even more confused. What is it you’re ok with and what’s not ok?”
Prolonged stuff us hard for me

“I truly think you put yourself on the line last weekend. You might have even scared yourself. But I also think you extended a small amount of trust to me. That’s why it was so special for me and probably why it’s disappointing this week. ‘You trusted me then, why not now?’ That’s the question in my mind. I understand why of course but it sucks.”

I used to make pronouncements like this all the time. My Bride always told me I was wrong. However, it turned out I was correct on about 95% of them. That was discovered when she kicked me out. She just hadn’t been in tune with her own mind yet. I think I’m quite a. It more attuned to this situation than anyone had thought. I wasn’t surprised at all by her answer.

I think you hit it on the head…I stuck it out on the line. However, I can’t live on the line. Not yet anyway.

The conversations we had leading up to our intimate encounters last week all dealt with trust. She would tell me how she was being cautiously optimistic about the changes she sees. I just want to believe this is real and won’t go away before I let my guard down. I remember saying that going back wasn’t an option because I would lose everything I hold dear in my life. There was a visible reaction on her face. You could see she was considering what I had said and was processing it. Moments later we were in each other’s arms and kissing. Almost the exact same thing happened the next day was Sunday and there were even more intimate results.

I came back Sunday evening, a mere 5 hours after I had left. I must have done something very wrong because the entire interaction was distant. She said that I had smothered her during the visit. She was sitting on the couch and didn’t want to get up to kiss me. I got on my knees and leaned in for a kiss. That position saw us basically in the missionary position with her sitting, if that makes any sense.

That night I asked what had happened. I had asked if she was feeling smothered as I had ‘mounted’ her as she sat. No, I’m just tired and my head hurts.’ When I asked her again a few hours later, she said I had smothered her in a major way.

This happened at the house last night as well. I was waaaay further away from her. I had just tried to put my arm around her and she told me I was smothering her. I STILL don’t fully know what ‘smothering’ means yet. I’m glad she felt confident enough to tell me in person though.

Here’s my take on that. I think she’s worried, consciously or subconsciously, about hurting me by telling me to back off. That would have happened before our separation. I think this is another defense mechanism she had to develop to protect herself emotionally. There appears to be quite a lot if those.

It seems to me that we both have quite a lot of work to do here. We both have to learn how to interact with each other again. Our marriage has always been a dance. I was leading that dance in a very selfish way. ‘This is my dance, we’re doing it my way’ seems to be how I ran things. Now we have to learn our own dance AND how to do our individual dance with each other. Right now we both have 2 left feet. I think we’re in the early adolescent days of our new relationship. We are learning how to be individuals and a voice at the same time. This is a very messy dance, but if we learn it properly, it’s going to be the most special dance ever seen.

Baby Doll, may I have this dance?

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Healing, Marriage Issues, Progress, Recovery and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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