Reconstruction Dance, 1 Step Forward, 2 Back?

Things had been going so well. Our contacts this past weekend were positive and relatively full of intimacy. Sure, our last contact Sunday evening wasn’t as good as the previous encounters, but it wasn’t negative, I would have called it neutral. That night she told me she had felt smothered, I’m still trying to learn what that means. Then she said we were seeing too much of each other, I agreed. Based on that, I proposed a new boundary; No M-F visual/physical contact unless emergency or kid situations arise. We were both cool with that.

This morning I received a comment stating that ANY contact during the week was a really bad idea. She proposed the following:

  1. A mid-week catch up meeting in person.
  2. A weekend date night.
  3. All other contact is forbidden.

The idea struck me as very good. We have enjoyed a building intimacy and it’s entirely possible that it could be spurred along by our lack of contact. The absence makes the heart grow fonder cliche at work if you will. We both think there is something to that. I remember I was out of town for a week about five years ago to attend my grandma’s funeral. When I got back to our house, well after midnight, she woke up when I hopped in bed. Thankfully I had thought this was a possibility and showered before hopping in bed. I was attacked by a tigress of passion wearing very risque “clothing” and pawing at my very being. This was not the first time we had the experience, so you could say I’m a big believer in absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Being completely isolated from each other for days at a time would be incredibly difficult, especially for me. Remember, I’m the guy with borderline personality disorder (BPD). The most cogent symptoms for this concern being:

  • Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived
  • Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom
  • Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.

Since I had no say in our separation, I can EASILY see myself falling into those symptoms.

My Bride responded that she didn’t want to change anything. “OK, no problem. What about this weekend?” What about this weekend? “Can we get together and hang out at the pond, go get a coke or maybe even have a date?” I’m not ready for that.

I had thought that by having no visual or physical contact during the week, the weekends were open season. The previous weekend was so astonishing I just knew she would want to expand on it.

Nope

I can see that in the future, maybe next weekend, I’m just not there right now.

It hurt me. It hurt me a lot. I was on such a high after last weekend I wanted it to continue going higher and higher. I had tasted intimacy again I want more. She’s not there yet. I KNOW I’m supposed to understand that we’re at two different places. I thought we had taken such a huge step last weekend that we had come together some and had a chance at building things more quickly than anticipated. Now, as I write this, I remember what her therapist said. “You have to take baby, bay steps.” Apparently My Bride is taking that to heart.

SIGH…

I caught myself falling into those symptoms I listed earlier today.

Son3 is scheduled to go out of state with his best friend this weekend. He is also scheduled to go to an out of state wrestling camp the week after that. I was not consulted about the out of state trip this weekend and the last I had heard he was canceling out of the camp. That’s what I had thought at least. My Bride had sent me a copy of a text the boy had sent her that morning.

I don’t want to go, I’m going to miss football workouts. They’re going to make me wrestle at my competitive weight from this last ; I’m trying to bulk up for football.season and I don’t want to cut weight.

My Bride had texted that we could save the $165 camp fee if he didn’t go. I assumed (ass-u-me) that we agreed he wouldn’t go. The problem was we didn’t communicate past that. I told him when I picked him up after school that he had our blessing to not go. This afternoon when I picked him up he said, “Mom’s making me go to the camp after you said I didn’t have to.”

*****SHIELDS UP*****

*****RED ALERT*****

I quizzed him some, like the sly detective I am, and got a little info out of him. Nothing sneaky or anything. It wasn’t like I said, “What did she say!? How dare she! What was she saying abut me!?!?” No, it was truly sly. We drove for a few minutes, I had to let myself calm down, I had been slighted you see. After awhile I asked, “What did she say to make you think she’s forcing you to go?” That kind of stuff. After I dropped him off at home I texted My Bride.

“Son3 says you’re forcing him to go to camp, and what about this out of state trip?”

I waited and waited and waited for a response By that I mean I drove to my parent’s home, a 10 minute drive, and shot another text.

“Hello?”

In my mind she was playing games with me or totally avoiding the situation. She was clearly just waiting me out, hoping I’d forget about it and she would get away with this travesty. It was another 10 minutes before she answered my text. I’m really glad it took her awhile. In that time I was able to put what Therapist and I had talked about yesterday for dealing with anger. I was able to slow the heck down, realize she wasn’t trying to attack me, realize she isn’t the enemy, think of a few alternate explanations for what was happening and relax.

Sorry, I was in a retarded meeting.

I’ll….Be….Damned. It freakin’ worked. By the time we started our text conversation I had completely chilled out. I was able to tell her I was upset about not being consulted and was then able to easily handle her response. We sent texts to each other for a few minutes and she gave up and just called me. The last I heard from Son3 was that he wanted to go. Last night I told him the scheduling of everything and he realized he’d be missing 3 days of weight lifting. He said he WANTED to go. I didn’t know there was anything to discuss. “What about this weekend?” What about it? “I wasn’t consulted about that either.” He spends all weekend with him all the time. I figured it would be just like every other weekend. Know that I know what’s going on, I can see why you might be upset about this. Ho-Lee Crap.

We were able to have a major conversation where we were both, initially, on opposite sides and discuss things peacefully and there were no hurt feelings. The cooling down technique Therapist gave me worked. I’m going to repeat that. THE COOLING DOWN TECHNIQUE THERAPIST GAVE ME WORKED!

I guess things aren’t nearly as bad as I had thought; hard to believe. It still seems that our reconstruction dance is 1 step forward and 2 steps back though. That’s probably just my viewpoint, but there it is.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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2 Responses to Reconstruction Dance, 1 Step Forward, 2 Back?

  1. Forever Changed Now says:

    Wow. I’ve been lurking here for the last half hour and it’s so eye-opening. Thank you for sharing. It’s so hard to view this from the other side when we’re so close to it, but viewing it here in your words, helps.

    • MyJourney says:

      Sharing greatly helps me. I agree with you. Getting the other side is tremendously helpful. I feel very blessed to have this resource and that we can see what the viewpoint of the other side.

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