Everything I say, think or do is influenced by my past. Be it childhood abuse, being molested, real or perceived abandonment and/or porn addiction, they have all had a very powerful influence over every aspect of my life. I have leaned on that, I guess as an excuse (?) for my current attitudes, thinking and behaviors. While it stands to reason those negative experiences will naturally affect me in a major way, they do NOT excuse me in current times.
I JUST ran a cross this on Twitter:
@themindfulhabit: Your projections of your past onto today is coloring the way you see the world. Unless you change, its like you’re wearing dirty sun glasses.
Here I am, in a state of perpetual self-pity. I was this or I was that. The keyword- WAS. I am not being abused, I am not being molested (but I’ll let her if she wants to go there 😜) and I am not in a state of abandonment. I am loved, I am wanted and I am cared for. This is a state of reality I have been refusing, in one way or another, for over 20 years.
That tweet above hit me betwixt the eyes and spoke to my soul. Change your direction, NOBODY can do it for you. Wake up, get in the game! This is yet another 2×4 of truth that just bashed me up side the head. {side note- I’m from the center of the country, you’re gonna hear some colloquialisms some times}
Forgiveness is giving up on the hope for a better past. I forgave my parents. It appears I have to forgive…him. The experience and memories he forced upon me are deeply burned in my mind. There is a pain that lives at my very core and I have to come to terms with that. I think that then and only then will I be able to forgive myself for my pornography addiction. Then and only then will I be able to forgive myself for the pain I forced upon My Bride.
What sucks, this all takes time. I’m not a patient man so, among other things, I guess I’m being taught a lesson in patience.
