Black, White, Pain And Healing

Apparently there are many possible outcomes to any situation. The way I’ve always seen things is they’re right or they’re wrong. Good/bad, great/crap, astonishing/horrible, best thing ever/depths of hell. My Bride has often times told me I see things as black and white but there are shades of gray too.

Today was therapy day. I went early this morning and My Bride went this afternoon. Therapist asked how recovery was progressing. As I spoke, I shared how relapse feels. “It’s the best feeling in the world and I will do anything I can to maintain that sensation.” How do you feel when it’s over? “It’s the worst feeling ever.”

Therapist told me that it very well may be the best feeling I’ve ever had, but a relapse is not the worst thing ever. It sucks and I know you feel bad about it, but it’s ok. Relapse is part of your recovery. Learn from it and move on. “But failure is unacceptable. I have to succeed, if I fail I lose everything.” You’re not perfect, nobody expects you to be.

I’ll be damned, everyone I talk to says relapses happen, it’s part of recovery. They say that relapses are expected and you need to learn from them. I’m td to not think the world is ending. ‘You don’t have to be perfect’ is said A LOT.

Every time I’ve had a relapse, I feel ashamed of myself. I DREAD telling My Bride. That’s the only negative thing that still rattles through my mind much anymore. When I told My Bride of my last relapse, she said This is never going to end. In her defense, she was pretty pissed off at the time. This was the week leading up to our separation, so I give her a lot of credit. However, that wasn’t her first time to say that. Then again, the last time was in December as we were in the middle of a spat. Apparently My Bride has the ability to have negative reactions in stressful times too. Hmmm. Another lesson learned today.

My Bride texted the outcome of her counseling to me. She basically prescribed lots of fresh air and rest. I don’t go back until July 1. The interesting thing about her therapist’s order, I told her the same thing a day or two ago. I’m really, really hoping she spends as much time as possible outside of the house. She says it’s her safe place, but staying inside as she lines to do isn’t healthy. That gal needs her some sunshine. We have a large incredibly huge pond (you can comfortably water ski on it) on our property. We spend lots ‘on time there fishing, swimming or just sunning ourselves. Her sister is there ALL the time, so I’m hoping she goes down with her.

It’s interesting to me that we have opposite desires right now. I have always wanted to be on the go, outside doing something. My Bride is content to stay at home, alone. I know we both need to be with others. She wants to isolate, just like me (this is why I think she’s in a depression) and she needs fresh air. That screams go to the pond and hang out with Sister. If she drank beer it’d be the ultimate prescription, for dudes anyway.

The biggest thing I took from what said to her: “If the results are positive, separation is working.” We both realize there are incredibly positive results. She was told to not rush things. “Baby, Baby steps” was the assignment.

Separation has been unbelievably positive. It’s sad a lot of the time, but the outcomes have been very positive. I’m lonely a lot of the time. She’s surrounded by family. I miss her sleeping next to me, hearing her breathing, listening to her gentle snore, feeling her next to me. I miss her in the worst way. I miss her voice, her laugh and her stories. I miss looking at her, ogling her butt (I’m a huge fan), looking into her eyes and I miss her smile. I miss her hugs and kisses. I miss her support, her touch and her undying love.

Our separation sucks.
Our separation is positive.
Our separation is lonely.
Our separation is temporary.
Our marriage is eternal.

I said it before, I say it now: I will do anything for our marriage to heal. When I said it before, I didn’t realize what that brought along with it. Pain, loneliness and tears. It has also brought smiles, laughs, joy, hugs, kisses and astonishing intimacy.

In order to heal our marriage, we have to go through serious crap. It sucks and it hurts. It’s also the most positive thing I’ve ever undertaken.

Separation is temporary.
Our marriage is eternal.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in emotion, Healing, Lesson, Marriage Issues, Progress, Recovery, Sex Addiction and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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