Through The Fires

Thursday, Friday and Sunday were magical. My Bride and I had excellent interactions each time. Sunday was, not as good.

My Bride spent all day at our pond with her sister. They hung out and enjoyed the sun and conversation. Their patents showed up around 5 with their boat and they trolled around for several hours. As I was coming home from Celebrate Recovery, I picked up our son from his friend’s house. We got a drink and I took him to the house. We arrived as the family had just started unpacking stuff.

I asked if I could come in and she agreed. We hung out in the living room and had a very nice chat. Our conversation turned very serious, that was not my intention, it just happened. After several minutes she said she needed to stop, she was tired and had a headache from being in the sun so much.

After a few minutes I realized that was my cue to leave. I have become more attuned to these things, but I’m not quite the Wife Whisperer yet, I still need the occasional hint. I took that cue and got up to leave. I’m not getting up to kiss you, I’m too tired. As she say on the couch I dropped down to my knees in front of her and moved in for a kiss. She was nowhere near as receptive as she had been the days before. I enjoyed it, but I was very aware something had popped up.

At the end of the night, as we were texting, I asked her if the standoffishness was because she was tired or if there was something else. It took her a very long time, relatively speaking, to answer back. I was feeling a little smothered.

What sucks is I had asked her just before I kissed her. She had said, No, I’m just tired. “Hey, I asked you about that earlier.” I know, I’m not good at identifying my feelings on the spot.


We discussed, and agreed, on how we were seeing each other far too often for being separated. We decided to put some boundaries in place.

• Stay away from each other (M-F) unless circumstances require otherwise.

• Communication will be via text and email alone unless circumstances require otherwise.

Those were really all we could think of at the time.

The funny thing, we broke the first boundary by 10:45 this morning.

I had just been to an interview and was taking her phone charger I had borrowed to her. I was going to pop it into her car and split. Her car is parked directly outside of her class room, there is a very large window overlooking the picturesque parking lot. I texted her I was there.

“Hey, I’m here, look out the window if you want to see my glorious body.”
I put the cable in her car, but I “accidentally” had to bend over and pick something up.
You’re so cute.
“I hope you got to see my butt.”
Come to my door.

I immediately thought about this breaking our boundary we had JUST set. She even mentioned it. However, and I just remembered this, the entire thing was done could get something from her to drop off at our son’s school. I guess “circumstances warranted” the interaction. I claim victory.

What’s the point? There are 2.
1. I eventually figured out My Bride had become uncomfortable and I needed to leave. I’ve always been oblivious to such things, for the past 4-5 years at least.
2. We set some boundaries and were upset when we thought we had broken them.

There are unresolved issues to be sure. Why the building intimacy? Is it ‘Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder’ or is it something like our separation is providing us the space we need for healing? Probably both I think. When we get back together, will there be a honeymoon period and then things go back to what they were?

I’ve an answer for those.

Yes- there will be a honeymoon period
No- things will not go back

We cannot allow ourselves to fall into the comfortable habits of earlier times. We must be mindful of what’s going on, how we feel as individuals and how we can support and love each other. That’s the only way for us to bond again. It seems we have to learn our lessons the hard way. I guess that’s how we’ll grow strong together, we’ve been through the fires with each other and are surviving.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Healing, Progress, Recovery and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Through The Fires

  1. I know my last comment pissed you off, and I apologize for that. I do want to say that I think it is important that you both came to the decision to not see each other as much. When I separated from my husband last summer, that was the advice given to us. No contact except for set times: we would meet on Wednesday evenings and then have a “date night” on Saturday nights. We didn’t have text or email contact during the “breaks” unless it was major. It was really really hard, but made a huge difference. Our marriage counselor told us there was no point in being separated if we continued to have contact all the time. It was a time for us to learn about ourselves, for him, to discover the depths of his co-dependency, to not have the stress of the expectations of the other to worry about. The most difficult thing was holding the boundary. But I can’t stress enough the importance of it. It will be a very necessary foundation for the continuance of your marriage. It isn’t a punishment, but the expectation of how you each want to be treated. You can be gentle about reminding her and she can be gentle in reminding you. At first, it may feel like you are being mean or vice versa, but if you take two seconds to think about it in terms of her respecting you and you respecting her, it can feel like a relief and it can grow trust in immeasurable ways.

    • MyJourney says:

      Thanks for the comment, and I’m talking about the one that pissed me off. My Bride told me that you were totally correct, which pissed me off more, but I realized you were both right the next day.

      I actually agree with your recommendation. I have to say I needed those texts. I needed the validation they brought. Those texts told me she didn’t really want a divorce and she missed me too and that there is hope. I’m fairly certain without those texts I’d be on a far different place mentally.

      Putting a halt to them has passed through my mind. I don’t want to, the texts give me a connection to her that gives me so much hope. I think cutting contact to absolute minimum, necessities only, is probably the right thing to do though.

      I mentioned to her I wanted to take her on a come date whenever she felt comfortable with it. I also like the idea of a mid-week get together.

      I’ll mention this stuff to her today.

      Thanks for the comments and thank you for having the courage to speak out again. I really appreciate it.

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