We all like to think we’re special. I see it in my students when I correct them for their misbehavior. Most kids, even yours, think that rules don’t apply to them. Why not? Because they’re the exception, they’re special.
That feeling of specialness doesn’t end at adolescence. No, it continues on with us throughout our lives. There are some that cognitively know they aren’t special. There are others that are convinced they are.
Relating This To You Know Who
I had always been the former. I’m a different person, I am NOT someone that can be put into a single category. Come to find out, I was way off base. I’m just like every other addict out there. Imagine my surprise when I came across this a few moments ago:
Progressive Stages of Love Addiction are Similar to Other Addiction Patterns
• Increasing tolerance of inappropriate behavior from others
“Well he only hit me 3 times and I didn’t get many bruises.”
“She was only out once overnight this week.”
” I only threw the telephone.”
• Greater Dependence
Surrender more and more responsibility to the other party.
Have them handle papers, make appointments, pick up children because “I just can’t remember”
Decrease In Self Care: Grooming declines, baggy clothes, disheveled look.
• Numbness To Feelings. “I’m ok, fine” But they’re feeling pain, anger, fear, shame, jealously
• Feeling Trapped or Stuck
• Helpless to fix the relationship.
• Helpless to escape pain by ending relationship.
• Lost the ability to care for and value self.
• Increasing despair, disillusionment, depression.
• Loss of power, Loss of ability to respond.
• Behavior can become bizarre.
The Final Stages
•Feeling abused and becoming abusive.
• Can only see out of a negative filter, missing the good things in partner.
• Cannot see own immature irrational offensive behavior.
I’ll be darned if I don’t hit just about every single one of them there points. What troubles me the most is I especially identify with the Final Stages points.
While I’ve NEVER struck or even thought of striking My Bride, I have been emotionally abusing her from January of this year until May 6, when she kicked me out. My focus was on her and how she was failing our marriage and “If she’d just open her eyes and submit to what I say everything will work out perfectly.” Yeah, about that, I was VERY wrong and VERY deluded. Getting tossed forced me to recognize that.
I had been spiraling down the negative filter drain since last summer. It eventually got to the point that My Bride hated being around me; I was a serious drag. I was depressed and was depressing her by my negative outlook.
I did not see my irrational behaviors. It was about a month ago that I flipped out because she “wouldn’t spend time with me.” I packed a lot of my things, yelled at her, told her I wanted to sit up and stormed out. Five hours later I realized what a stupid thing I had done and that I had caused severe pain. There are MANY other examples of irrational behaviors, I think they are as painful and/or dramatic as the example, but they were just as irrational.
What Have We All Learned?
• I’m not a special case. I’m just a dude like everyone else.
• I’m not a freak, I’m a guy with problems. Just like everyone else.
• I’m not alone. There are millions of people with the exact same problems I have.
• My Bride, even after all she has been through, STILL wants to be with me. It was freaking shaky 12 days ago, but distance has provided a little healing for her and mountainous healing for me.
• God responds to the smallest amount of effort.
• My value does not come from my marriage.
• I am loved.