Yesterday afternoon I found out My Bride and her sister were going to do yard work this weekend. We live in the sticks and the yard work takes every bit of 3 hours. ‘Tis a big project. She wanted to do this with her sister.
Due to a pretty nasty case of arthritis, severe depression and downright laziness, I haven’t truly performed any yard work of note for several years. “We’ve got teenage boys, they need to be doing that” was my mantra. When the boys weren’t around, My Bride would do the mowing. I let that happen.
Last night I went to bed as normal, late, so I could pass out ASAP to keep from missing her presence. My usual plan didn’t work, I was up past 4AM. I was a bit tired when I drove home.
I walked into the house and I saw her. It probably sounds dumb, but my heart beats fast and I get butterflies whenever I see her now. We said some pleasantries as I sat down. I let her know is be mowing later in the evening, I was just too tired. I thought it was kind of cool that she had been up as late as I had. We decided to just hang out for a bit.
We had a very nice talk. I apologized for my emotional abuse and asked for her forgiveness if and when she is ready. She came out and said that her major pains were not about the far past and that our separation is because of the last 5 months. I had already known that, but it was nice to get confirmation.
We discussed that seeing each other as much as we have pretty much defeats the purpose of our separation. I reluctantly agreed. We discussed a few boundaries and ground rules and that was that.
There was quite a bit more conversation, but the part that really sticks in my head was when she said, How is it that when we’re apart I miss you so much and long to be with you, but when we’re together the old feelings come back? I mentioned that it’s the changes. She’s not sure they’re authentic and needs them to he tested. Plus the memories are still so fresh.
She had to go to the restroom. When she returned I told her how I’ve missed her and that, because of whatever, I have always needed validation. I know, it’s because you never got it before. I started to get a little emotional as I told her that every time I see her I receive some validation. How’s that? I kinda sorta lost it when I told her that by not rejecting me, she was accepting me. We had been standing about 6 feet apart when I had said that. I can only describe what happened next as a move of God.
Like 2 magnets, we were simply drawn together by some unseen force. We embraced each other fully. It was the greatest, sweetest and most living hug I have ever experienced. I held her tightly as she put her head on my chest. I had my head on her shoulder and was crying in a very strong manner. A few moments later, I pulled my head up and started kissing her head. She kept her head on my chest.
She looked up at me and our eyes briefly met as we kissed. It was so beautiful. We kissed for a long time, stroking the others face and head. Then another beautiful thing happened. She looked deeply into my eyes. It wasn’t the short look she gave as our kiss began. No, it was deep and long. It was THE look I’ve desperately longed for all this time.
As we were parting on May 6th, she was crying when she told me she couldn’t give me what I needed. This morning, 11 short days later, we shared a very deep and intense moment of intimacy. I have no idea if I’ve met ANY of her needs at all this year, but she sure met a couple of mine this morning.
For the first time since separating, I experienced no sadness as I walked out the door. The first time I left, my head was swimming. This morning, my head was swimming again. This time from hope, joy, love and excitement.
I have found a new experience to replace the my old drug.
I want more.