Smothered Spirals And Victory

My Bride is the exact opposite of me. In most ways this has been a blessing. Where I am irresponsible, she is the epitome of responsibility (all areas really). Where I am rough, she is smooth. Where she is weak, I am strong. Where she is uncomfortable, I have no problems.

I have an uncanny ability to be smothering at times.

I don’t mean to be. In fact, I didn’t even know about it until very recently.

My smothering is a place where our oppositeness does not work out at all. I guess that’s why it’s called smothering.

I’m pretty sure this hadn’t always been the case. There was a time that I kept most of my emotions and problems close to the vest. There were times that I would involve her, usually they where major situations. Job related complications, for example, did not come up. If I was feeling down, no big deal.

It was around 2009 this all began to change. I had entered the spring semester in decent condition, but a few school situations piled atop of each other in rapid succession. I blew off a little steam to her. No big deal, there was nothing really negative, but I had crossed a boundary.

March 2009 was a turning point in my life. I had an enormous issue at school that broke me. It wasn’t the worst thing ever, but piled atop the other fires burning, this turned into an inferno. I involved My Bride.

The next school year began and I started where I left off, depressed. It went downhill from there. By the time Christmas rolled around, I was done. January came and I was tits on a boar hog, useless.

During my slow decent into depression, My Bride tried and tried to pick me up. It got so bad that I wasn’t even pursuing sex with her. That went on for several months. I vividly remember walking into the bathroom one morning in a good mood. I smiled when I slid in behind her, I wrapped my arms around her, grabbed her boobs and said, “Let me see your thong.” She smiled the way she had when we were first married. As she pulled her pants down, VERY seductively, she grinned and said. I thought I had list you. We did not make love that night. We had unadulterated, hot and dirty sex. It was incredible. My recovery lasted about a week and I slid even further to depression.

Summer break sucked. I had resigned my position and went to a new school district. Obviously that would solve my problems.


Our anniversary is in August, before school begins. We got to our hotel, a very swanky joint, and made love. We then went on our date. When we got back, My Bride began her preparations for a delightfully intimate evening. I went to get ice.

There was a railing all around the interior of the building that allowed one to look down to the lobby from each floor. We were on the 12th floor. As I went to get the ice, I was overcome with a crippling wave of depression. The only thought I had was to jump. I ran back to the room. I jumped into bed and lay next to her. I was silent as I stated toward the ceiling. My Bride knew something was up, but allowed me the time to express it. After what seemed like an eternity, I told her I wanted to die.

This was one of our most painful moments up to that point as a couple. I just told My Bride, on our anniversary bed, I wanted to die.

She was a bit sad.

My life continued to spiral out of control. I got fired from my teaching job just before school was out. Me, who took his professionalism and work product with such pride, had farm to such a lie that they canned me with a month left in school.

I’ve had a hard time holding a job since.

More and more I would share my thoughts and emotions with her. Further and further we parted. It all culminated on May 6, 2014 around 4:30PM in our therapist’s office when she said she could no longer work on our marriage. The camel’s back had been broken by my smothering.

I can’t be all things to you had been said a few times before. I had to known what it meant. Know I do. She’s not my therapist or my accountability partner. She’s my wife.

There are times where I think I’m fooling myself that she is even considering reconciliation. Therapist told her that she had been giving me false hope by continuing our counseling. There are times that I think she doesn’t have the heart to tell me that this is still the case. Maybe she’s waiting for me to recover before she finally drops the other foot.

That IS a possibility.

Then I think of our time as we discussed separating. “I love you.”
I love you too.
“I don’t want a divorce.”
I don’t want a divorce either.

Then there are all the times we chat, professing our love.
“I miss you.”
I miss you too.
So on and so forth.

I truly believe she desires reconciliation, but is waiting to see if I’m the real deal. I respect that position and fully accept it. I also know that God has been telling me OUR victory is coming.

We WILL be victorious. God said so.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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