I was lying in bed, desperate for sleep to overtake me. I was lonely and bored, hurting from emotional pain and incredibly tired. I didn’t notice the dog come in, he’s incredibly sly.
I was half paying attention as I flipped through Facebook. Growing bored with that I jumped over to Twitter. I have 3 accounts- a public profile, a profile as my dog (don’t judge me) and my holy crap I’m a porn addict struggling for recovery profile. I was on my public profile reading over tweets as the basketball game was wrapping up. I came across a picture that had been retweeted and I heard the dog growl very quietly.
I called my sponsor and he talked me down. We spoke for about a half hour and I was calmed as we hung up. The dog barked as I thought about my pain from earlier. My heart started racing and my head was spinning. I shivered as the dog brushed against me. My hands were clammy as they trembled. My skin crawled as the dog lay down next to me. It had started, my mind was moving toward autopilot.
This was it, I was losing my sobriety again. The room was spinning and I was becoming lost in that all too familiar feeling of being swept up by the river of addiction. There’s a definite physical rush that overcomes me when I’m at this point. It’s an incredible feeling and I don’t want it to stop. It feels so good and I get lost in the sensations. I was failing, again and I couldn’t do anything about it.
I thought of My Bride and saw her face. I remembered what I had said to her just a few hours before, “I’m going to make you proud.”
I was drug under water as the dog started barking, louder and louder getting more and more aggressive. The high returned, even more intensely now. It was the most incredible sensation I’ve ever experienced, adrenaline, drunkenness and pleasure all in one. I wanted it to last forever.
My mind immediately went to God. The dog tried to bark but was silenced. The rush ceased immediately. There was no crash back to pain, I felt a different sensation altogether. I felt a sense of calm and peace that wrapped around my entire being. It wasn’t just a physical sensation. My mind, body and soul had been enveloped by the presence of God.
I began crying. The tears were enormous and uncontrollable. These were not tears of sadness or pain. They were tears of joy and relief knowing I had just been protected by the very presence of God Almighty.
I’ve never worshipped God alone before last night. Honestly, I’m not even sure I had ever truly worshipped Him before. Thinking back, I’m can’t even remember what I was doing TO worship Him, but I know I did it. That probably sounds insane, and maybe it is (I sort of qualify for that), but I know, in my heart, I worshipped God in His very presence.
Will God intervene for me like this ever again? I have no idea. I do know it happened last night. If this is what happens as a result of establishing a relationship with God, I’m never leaving again.
10 days I have been alone. 10 days has seen me go from absolute desperation to the highest of highs. This has been a tremendous experience and I cannot wait to experience these things with My Bride.
My Bride is in another place, and that saddens me. I’ve seen her when she has been close to God. It’s absolutely beautiful and I cannot wait to see it again. Soon, very soon, she will be swept into God’s arms and He will provide the comfort she so desperately needs.
Baby Doll, hang in there. I know you’re consumed by sadness and confusion right now. God is NOT the author of sadness and confusion. Your victory is coming. Keep moving forward, He will comfort you, He will do His work in you. When He does, we will begin again in a strong, Christ centered marriage. God will be glorified through our victory!