I have identified a trigger. Highly charged emotional situations send me off looking to medicate. I experienced some pretty sweet joy today. I also experienced some solid pain. It appears that, when triggers are involved, negative outweighs positive.
Ok, now what?
I’ve been talking to my sponsor all night. “What are you feeling?”
‘Confusion, joy and pain. I’m at complete odds with myself.’
“What are you going to do about it?”
‘The only thing I can, I’m going to meditate and pray. I’m watching the ball game so hopefully that’ll take my mind off of it.’
“Call me anytime if you need to.”
I just got off the phone with him. He’s an incredibly soothing influence on me. Interesting thought just popped into my head. My Bride has always been the calming influence in my life. That was removed when we separated. I’ve had to go elsewhere for my calming.
I think that’s how this is actually supposed to work.
I’ll be damned.
The thoughts are still there. The craving still gnaws at me. The game is over and I’m by myself, Brother passed out hours ago.
Bedtime has been something to be avoided at all costs since separation. I desperately miss laying next to My Bride. There’s also this craving thing that crops up. At home that was taken care of by going to bed at the same time as My Bride.
I find myself amidst another growing opportunity. The key ingredients are present: tired, lonely, bored and hurting. It’s the sex addict’s superfecta. I’m putting all my brain on beating this tonight.
The most difficult cravings I deal with always accompany emotional pain.
Time to armor up, get in the fight and kick some butt.