One Path To Victory

I don’t understand how you can say I’m the best person ever on one day and I cause you nothing but pain the next and back again.

I was never able to explain that. Therapist explained that it is something called splitting.

Splitting creates instability in relationships because one person can be viewed as either personified virtue or personified vice at different times, depending on whether he or she gratifies the subject’s needs or frustrates them. This along with similar oscillations in the experience and appraisal of the self lead to chaotic and unstable relationship patterns, identity diffusion, and mood swings. The therapeutic process can be greatly impeded by these oscillations, because the therapist too can become seen as all good or all bad. To attempt to overcome the negative effects on treatment outcome, constant interpretations by the therapist are needed. Splitting contributes to unstable relationships and intense emotional experiences.

This is incredibly interesting stuff, to me at least.

…people with borderline personality disorder are not able to integrate the good and bad images of both self and others, resulting in a bad representation which dominates the good representation.

Here’s a description that fits me like a glove:

People with BPD are often exceptionally idealistic, joyful and loving. However they may feel overwhelmed by negative emotions, experiencing intense grief instead of sadness, shame and humiliation instead of mild embarrassment, rage instead of annoyance and panic instead of nervousness. People with BPD are especially sensitive to feelings of rejection, isolation and perceived failure.

Yep, that’s me.

Here’s the good news. My Bride and I are now aware of the problem. I don’t really think she has any clue about how to deal with that stuff yet, but she’s aware if the problem. Now that I’m aware, I’m able to look for signs if I start down that road. There are definite warning signs. I KNOW My Bride is aware if some of them. I had asked for her to point them out to me awhile back before we knew about BPD. Heck no, you’d have a cow when I did that. Now I have to be mindful of all of this at all times. That’s a bit disturbing, being on constant guard.

I am willing to put my entire heart, body and soul into this. I have no choice. Should I fail my marriage ends. Even then I would still have to be ever vigilant if I even wanted to keep close friends. So letting down my guard isn’t really an option.

“If you don’t do something about this, they’re going to walk all over you from now on.” That is something that ays through my mind EVERY TIME I have a negative interaction with someone. That thought is probably incorrect 999.9974/1,000 times if not more. I MUST be mindful of this at all times.

Honestly, I’m incapable of this task. There is precisely no way I can do it.
This is where I need the help of God the most. I’ve come to realize that nothing is impossible for Him. There is nothing He cannot solve, even MY problems. He will carry me to victory as I overcome these problems.

“Go and sin no more.”
I can’t do that alone, but I can do it through Christ who strengthens me.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Depression, Progress, Recovery, Victory and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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