Oh What A Night

Wow
What a day!
My Bride and I both showed up at Son3’s football practice. She parked next to me. At first I didn’t realize it, I had been doing my brand new meditation thing (fabulous btw). I looked to my right and there’s her car. I smiled and waved. She motioned me over.

I hopped in the car and my stomach was FULL of butterflies. We talked for a long time. After a few minutes I took a chance and put my hand on her leg. “Is this ok?” Yeah, it’s ok. We went on and had some nice, light conversation. I put my hand out. SHE TOOK IT!! Oh my goodness, my heart was beating so hard. I had a couple of tears trickle down my face. I was in heaven. Funny, 6 months ago I would have made fun of that. Now it’s the most beautiful thing ever.

I have a job interview tomorrow but all my nice clothes are at our house. I had asked her this morning if I could swing by and pick some up. I was even so bold as to ask for her help coordinating my outfit. When I came by (this was after football practice) she pulled some things out and I was good to go. I put it in my car and went back to say goodbye.

My Bride had been watching me drop my clothes into my car. When I turned toward her, she was on our front step. I walked up to her and we engaged in a hug. We hugged right. Really right. The hug lasted a long time. This is getting to hard, you’ve got to go. “What’s so hard?” Saying goodbye is so hard. We broke our hug and I took another chance. I leaned in for a kiss. She met me in the middle and we exchanged a very sweet peck. It was tremendous.

I texted her a few minutes later thanking her. “I had a really good time. It was incredible.” Really? I’m sad. I told her that saying goodbye is really sad but the rest was tremendous.

My parents live about ten minutes away. I ran by their house for dinner. It was then I realized I didn’t have my suit coat. I texted her to see if it was in my closet. Yep. “Do you mind if I come get it?” Come on over.”

When I got home, she was in bed. My closet is in another room so I didn’t disturb her. I DO have to walk past our room though. I stood in the hall looking at our bedroom door. I stared for a long time. I was asking myself if I should temp fate again. I stood there for several minutes thinking it over. I pulled out my phone and asked if I could see her before I left. Come on in.

I walked into our bedroom and there she was, laying under our covers. I kicked off my shoes and climbed into my rightful spot next to My Bride. It felt so good being next to her. I tried to talk to her but she wasn’t having any of it. She lay there next to me listening. I’d say I love you and she’d say it back very quietly.

I talked a lot. She listened. Every once in awhile she’d look direct into eyes for a few seconds. THAT is one of the ways I receive intimacy the most. She knows it too. Now I don’t know if she was doing it on purpose or not, but she did it. A lot. I’m going with half purposeful and half coincidental, maybe subconscious.

I lay there beside her. I suddenly felt led to pray for her. “What can I pray for you about?” She looked away as she said nothing. I backed off. A few minutes later she said You need to go. This is getting too hard. I snuggled up and hugged her. She hugged back. I cried out of sadness and joy. I think she cried but I’m not sure. We kissed. It was warm but short. I went back for another. I’m not there right now. I said I love you, got up and left.

I was smiling when I got into my car this time. Usually I cry like a baby. Tonight I was bursting with joy. A few minutes later we exchanged I love you texts. I thought that was it for the night. It wasn’t.

I was sitting on my brothers couch watching basketball. I was recounting how awesome my day was. I told about how excited I was to see My Bride and how positive it was. Then it happened. My Bride texted me.

How is it that I can miss you so badly yet at the same time know that for me at least we r no where close to being ready to end this separation? So damn confusing.

I listed off the reasons- massive love, never been apart like this, grown from teenagers to adults, huge changes and you don’t know if they’re real.

I’m cautiously optimistic.

We went back and forth and something huge hit.
I’m afraid of having that smothered feeling. I felt it tonight and I hated it. I wanted you there but old feelings were there too.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
I didn’t identify it until you were gone.

It was triggered when I asked what I could pray for. I should have known. That was the last thing we had a negative interaction over. I brought it up when she was in a very venerable position. I had no idea but it happened.

That question is now verboten.

So sad, so confused.

I could totally go negative on this. The ingredients are there. She lives me but is completely confused. 10 days ago my mind would be writing its own narrative. I don’t have any real information to support a negative mindset.

“You need to focus on truth” is what Pastor keeps telling me.

The truth I know is God loves me and wants me to have a joyful and prosperous life. The truth is My Bride and I are madly and deeply in love. The truth is we have been together for 25 years and the past 5 months have been tremendously difficult. The truth is we both want to be victorious. The truth is God will carry us to reconciliation and victory that will glorify Him if we let Him.

My Bride knows these truths.
I know these truths.
God will bless us if we let Him.

I choose to believe we are heading to victory. Hold onto your hat, Baby Doll. God is about to grab you and deliver you. Then He’s going to pick us both up and carry us to victory!

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in emotion, Marriage Issues, Progress, Recovery, Victory and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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