Conscious Concerted Efforts

I used to accuse My Bride of lying to me. It hurt her in a major way. What she would do is present partial details of important situations to me, leaving off major portions that would affect my mindset in a huge way. She said she was protecting me.

Way back in October, when we first began marriage counseling, I complained of this to Therapist. I’m trying to protect him was her response.
Protect me? What the hell do I need protecting from?
Reality was her answer to that question.
Therapist told her I didn’t want a protector, I wanted a wife.

It took some time, but she stopped keeping information from me. I was hit with the full force of reality and it sunk me. Back in January we had a huge fight where I called her a liar again see, she had started protecting me once again.

ProTip- if you’re trying to heal your marriage from crap you brought in, don’t call her a liar.

Her protection resumed. Part of her protection was to “Be a good wife” and provide me with sexual contact. In mid-February I learned she was just trying to be a dutiful wife. She had been protecting me from that reality as well. Suddenly I was, again, drowned by a wave of reality.

It was that last wave of reality that put me where I am today, not at home. My attitude spiraled all the way down. I became, what can only be called, combative. In fact, I became aggressively combative. My borderline personality disorder didn’t exactly help out.

Full Reality
+ Severe Emotional Reactions
Recipe for marriage sinking

What really and truly sucks is I wasn’t aware (officially) of BPD until the very day we separated. I had no chance to deal with it at home.

That was a good thing

By virtue of getting kicked out of my home, I have been forced to deal with things. My Bride seems to appreciate and like the changes that are occurring, but she isn’t sure they’re real and/or permanent.

They have to be

I refuse to have my family destroyed by mental illness. It destroyed my family when I was growing up. Just like the abuse my brother, sister and I suffered through, that ends with us.

My children have never known what it’s like to be abused. I’ve lost my temper and have yelled inappropriately, but nowhere near abusively. My kids have never been struck in anger. I have made conscious and concerted efforts to never allow myself to perpetuate abusive behaviors. It has caused me, at times, to act very weakly in response to certain misbehavior a of my children. That isn’t the most desired outcome, but My Bride has stepped up and been aggressive where I cannot. It’s interesting that we never even discussed this. It just happened.

Those facts are why I’m so confident I will se victory in my mental illness. I knew what was at stake with my children. When I found out I don’t have anymore lives to play with AND I discovered the severity of my actions, I now know what’s at stake with our marriage.

Through concentrated, concerted and conscious actions, I WILL overcome mental illness. Our marriage WILL be a victory to the glory of God.

I’m just hoping I can find a 1up along the way.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Depression, Lesson, Progress, Recovery, Sex, Victory and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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