I have been away from my family for a week today. I hate it. I miss seeing my boys. I miss chilling on our couch. I miss my bulldog. I miss my bed. Mostly, I miss My Bride.
I have seen my bride twice since we separated. We have spoken by phone once, yesterday morning there was a brief transportation situation. With the exception of the first night, we have had text conversations daily.
My heart aches each night when I go to bed. I put it off as long as I can, staying up and chatting with my brother. Sleepiness hits early, about 8:00 but I resist. If I go to bed I’ll miss her presence even more. So I wait until I’m an absolute zombie before I allow myself to sleep.
When I wake up, my heart hurts just as much as when I went to bed. Now it’s because I miss the early morning routines we go through. Getting a cup of coffee, trundling into the bathroom, chatting with My Bride and the kiss goodbye.
It was one week ago today I had that last kiss goodbye.
The day after separation was incredibly difficult. I left school early; I was a mess. I spent the day at church, having deep conversations with the pastor. As evening approached I became more and more upset. It was my first full day away, I didn’t want to be alone. Thankfully, Brother was at the apartment.
I asked Brother and Sister if I was risking destruction if I sent a ‘goodnight I love you’ text to my bride. That type of thing would not be out of the ordinary for us. Sister said goodnight was ok but ask her about the rest. Brother said don’t say anything Steph all.
I sent my text at a time I knew she would likely be hanging out with the family but thinking about going to bed. I wrote a set up text.
Tell me if what I’m about to say is too much. If it is, I won’t do it again.
Goodnight, I love you
This was an important moment. I knew the emotional direction I would be moving forward would be based on her response.
I was crushed
A minute or so later, I saw those 3 dots on the text screen that let you know they’re writing something.
I love you too
My heart soared to the sky! She said I love you BACK!!
We had a nice little chat for a few minutes and we said it to each other again.
“Goodnight, I love you”
Goodnight, I love you too
That night, I went to bed with a smile.
We have had similar text sessions everyday. They have gotten progressively deeper in content and, for me, emotional. It has been a beautiful thing.
One thing we have not discussed is my sobriety. I was MAJOR fearful that I was going to lose my sobriety in spectacular fashion.
I have held steady and true.
Spirituality was a concern for me. Was I going to curse God?
My spirituality has immensely deepened.
I told My Bride the other day that our separation has been the best thing that could have happened to me. My sister says she just realized I respond best to very direct and very harsh input. Agreed. My growth spurts have all been a direct result of My Bride being incredibly forceful with me. I call it the 2×4 of truth.
Baby Doll, I know using that 2×4 is incredibly difficult for you. I cannot thank you enough for firmly hitting me about the head with it. Your directness is what I needed. Truth unfiltered is what I needed and will continue to need.
My Bride says she’s worried about the permanence of my changes. I get that and respect her fear. She should be worried of that. However, God has me by the hand now. He is leading me along. He is going to keep me moving along the path straight and steady.