No Going Back

I just can’t go back to what it was.
-My Bride via text this evening

I’m making enormous strides mentally. At least that’s what the people around me are telling me. Even if that’s true, I’m still afflicted with mental illness.

This morning, in counseling, my therapist hit me with that 2×4 of truth I respond to so well. With just 2 words she stripped away layers of denial:
Your sick.

I knew that of course. My Bride said it last fall. I guess her being so close to me cushioned the hurt of hearing those words.
Honey, you’re sick.

There’s a fear with all of this.
I have a mental illness. That means I’m predisposed to fall into the very things that hurt her the most.

I have Bipolar Disorder and BPD, that means I have huge mood swings as well as extreme reactions to emotions. My anger is waaaay more pronounced than that of the average bear. My feelings of intimacy are also far more extreme than the normal person. My reaction to an argument is to search and destroy. My Bride says that it’s like she is always walking on eggshells around me. She doesn’t want to set me off and have to deal with the explosion. She also says she doesn’t know which husband she’s going to see every day.

‘You’re making strides, how can this be a worry to you?’
1. I’m a worrier. I wasn’t in the past, but here I am now.
2. There’s no cure for BPD.
3. There’s no cure for Bipolar.

That means, no matter how hard I work or how hard I try, the possibility for me to relapse to explosiveness exists. THAT’S the issue at hand as I understand the situation.

New Tools
Pray
Meditate (new activity)
Listen
Pay Attention
Mindfulness
Vigilance
SLOW DOWN

I have 7 new tools in the shed. My too used to be yell, intimidate, isolate etc.. Pretty much anything negative you can list was in my tool belt.

Screw
That

What she said earlier races through my mind: I just can’t go back to what it was.

Neither can I, it’s far too painful.

Am I worried? Hell yeah.
Will I let it control me? Hell no.
I shall overcome!

I just can’t go back to what it was.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in emotion, Lesson, Progress, Recovery and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to No Going Back

  1. londryfairy says:

    Nice positive post. Don’t lose hope. I have been “in remission” for two years. It isn’t impossible. It isn’t easy either, of course. 🙂

  2. Mindfulness and meditation have helped me incredibly. I used to be a recluse because of social anxiety. Wouldn’t even dream of going out somewhere on my own or with people i didn’t know but on monday i went to a zen group ON MY OWN AND UNINVITED (there was an all inclusive invitation on their website) AND I DIDN’T GET ANXIOUS AT ALL. That’s with practicing mindfulness since november of last year!

  3. I took a nine-week intensive outpatient DBT course, it provides lots of tools for change. Just a thought 🙂

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