My boys all play football. Well. Son1 plays in college, Son2 is the likely varsity QB this coming year (as a junior at a large school) and Son3 will be the freshman QB next year. The team just hired a big-name (nationally) coach and tonight was meet the new coach night.
Over the past 5 years I have chased off, by being a dick or inattention, all of my friends. I isolated and ended up relying on My Bride for all relational contacts. My Bride asked me to handle the meet the coach duties so she could grade papers. I happily obliged. I was really looking forward to it too.
When I walked in I realized I didn’t know anyone. As in no one. I felt like an immediate outcast. So I did what I do best, I isolated. I went into the athletic building, went upstairs and sat on a couch overlooking the activity. I sent a few texts to My Bride to bemoan the situation. Then I remembered that might screw things up somehow. I steered the texts from a complaint to a solution; I’ll get involved with the parent group.
A few minutes later, Son3 called. He was sick to his stomach and wanted to go home. I jumped on the chance to split. We had light conversation as I drove him home. My mind was on one thing only: Seeing My Bride.
I obsessed over seeing her the entire 15 minute drive home. Should I ask to see her or not? Will asking upset her? Does my asking violate a boundary? Will my asking depress her or make her feel bad? Could my asking lead to a fun interaction? Could our seeing each other as friends ease our souls? Would having a positive interaction make the rest of the week go by more easily?
When we finally pulled into the driveway I decided to take a shot.
She was right, I was infringing on boundaries. Not only that, but by asking, I forced her to make an uncomfortable decision. That decision was no. Earlier this evening she TOLD me she doesn’t like thing me no. I feel pretty crappy about this.
I let my pain from the football event take over my mind. I tried to get My Bride to comfort me with just her presence.
We do not want things the way they were before the split. While tonight was different, it was barely different. I tried to get comfort from My Bride.
There was a victory through all of this. I told her it was cool if she said no. I didn’t say it, but I think the hint was clear- if you say no, I won’t freak out. While it DID hurt, I did not freak out.
Ten days ago this would have been received as a personal rejection and it was that. I CHOOSE to process this as a rejection of pain, not of me. Knowing I’m the source of pain sucks, but I already knew that. I will not allow this to torpedo me.
Experience, process, learn and move on.
I CHOOSE to learn.
What did I learn?
I’m never alone, I walk with God now.