I’ve got your back if you’ve got mine

Just a note to tell you how happy I am that you are coming home. Our home is not complete without you, and we all need that feeling of “completeness” more than ever right now. I can’t wait to be with you and feel your arms around me w/of someone waiting to take you from me. I know we’ve got a long road ahead of us, but I’m in for the long haul if you are. As one of our friends posted on FB today

“Difficult days don’t mean you’re married to the wrong person anymore than feeling thirsty means you should quit a marathon. It’s part of the process.”

We’ve put a lot into our “process,” and we’ve gotten a lot out if it. We have a long way to go, but we can do this! I’ve got your back if you’ve got mine.

I love you so much-
I miss you,
I want you.
I can’t wait to see you!

It was about one year ago I found that note on my pillow. I had just been released from the mental hospital. I had been committed for my depression and suicidal ideation.

It was the worst point if my life.

We enjoyed a very special time afterward. Intimacy, time and just being with each other.

Present Time
It is well established that I’m the cause of our marital problems. My addiction combined with my bipolar was a difficult thing to deal with.

Yesterday, during a ridiculous set of doctor appointments I was hit with yet another gut punch. A new diagnosis was added to the list.
Borderline Personality

Signs & Symptoms
(From the National Institute for Mental Health)
Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived

A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)

Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)

Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating

Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting

Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days

Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom

Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.

Seemingly mundane events may trigger symptoms. For example, people with BPD may feel angry and distressed over minor separations—such as vacations, business trips, or sudden changes of plans—from people to whom they feel close.

Studies show that people with this disorder may see anger in an emotionally neutral face and have a stronger reaction to words with negative meanings than people who do not have the disorder.

That pretty much describes the author exactly.

I have been showing symptoms of BOD for years. I can document several, but that won’t serve any purpose other than to drag up painful memories.

Now that I have begun displaying these symptoms at a greater rate (anger, panic and anxiety especially) I understand some things.
1. My mother isn’t as nuts as I thought
2. I’m in serious trouble and I need help and support.

That note My Bride gave me one year ago was a pledge of the support I needed. I was in dire straits. Her love and support provided me with a stability I’m incapable of alone.

I have enjoyed 25 years of a wonderful relationship with My Bride. I know that she has also enjoyed our years together.

I have brought some pretty strong pain along with us.

I’m just NOW learning what the pain is, how it hurts others and WHY it’s happening.

I need the love and support of my family. I need that rock of My Bride in my life.

Just when I need her most, she has decided my issues are too much for her. She wants out.

I JUST found out why these things are happening. With that information I have a chance to correct problems.

We are running a marathon. The last 12 months or so has been an incredibly difficult part of the course. In Celebrate Recovery, we are told “Your miracle is around the corner. DON’T GIVE UP BEFORE YOU RECEIVE YOUR MIRACLE!”

Baby Doll, if you are reading this, don’t give up yet. I need your help on this and I KNOW our miracle is coming. Please see this through to our miracle. I know we have mountains of problems and challenges to conquer. God will carry us. I’m not asking for your faith in me. I’m asking for your faith in God.

We have been through some mind numbing incredibly tough times lately. There is joy out there for us. We’ve had it before. It’s just around the corner.

I know you’re confused and in terrible pain. “We’ve put a lot into our “process,” and we’ve gotten a lot out if it. We have a long way to go, but we can do this! I’ve got your back if you’ve got mine.”

Never more have those words been do true. You had said you are in this for the long haul. So am I. You need time, I need time, WE need time, but we belong together. Our miracle is coming. I know it and I think you know it. We just have to be strong enough to wait for it and receive it. We CAN do this.

I love you very much.
Knowing that laundry list of my symptoms sucks, but it also helps. I can’t do it without you but I can with you. Let’s do this, together.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Depression, emotion, Lesson, Marriage Issues, Progress, Recovery and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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