Communicating And Fantasy

We’ve exchanged some texts today. I had several doctor appointments today and she asked for updates. I let her know how each appointment went. She responded with a question or two.

My Bride graduates with her masters degree this Saturday. I texted her that we needed to discuss logistics.

My mind thought that we’ve spent a day apart. She would certainly like to talk with me. There was no doubt in my mind that she would be happy that we could see each other on Saturday.

She texted back that she is dreading graduation and that she doesn’t want to do it now.

“Why?”
If I see you I’ll fall apart.
“Is it pain, sadness or sad thoughts?”
All of them.

I told her I would stay home if she would like.
No, you deserve to be there. You supported me through it above all others.

I volunteered to stay away from her and her family.
No, that’s unfair to you and the kids.

I told her that I’d make sure she wouldn’t see me for awhile after Saturday, that she deserves as much space as possible.
She didn’t answer, which is cool. That comment didn’t really need a response.

Those thoughts I had about her obviously wanting to see me? Fantasy. It’s tough to realize it was a very unrealistic fantasy.

My mind has begun spinning out of control. Right now, right freaking now is time for me to do what EVERYONE has been telling me. Right now I have the opportunity to have a victory over my self-destructive thoughts. Right now I have the opportunity to give her the space she needs. Right now I have a chance to earn some trust.

My instinct is to pursue a conversation with her. It’s everything I can do to keep from sending “I love you” or “I’m lost without you” texts. Everyone says leave her alone. Don’t smother her. I fear any further texts would only harm things.

Unacceptable

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Depression, emotion, Lesson and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

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