It happened today. Our marriage therapy ended.
I had told the story of her refusing my comforting hug and her refusal to pray for me. I said that I needed some type of human interaction and that her just being there wasn’t good enough anymore. She began to loose it.
“Bride, how does all of that make you feel?”
More crying…lots of crying.
“Bride, is there something your not telling me?”
“Martin, would you step outside so she can speak with me in private?”
I stepped out, but I knew what was being said. I leaned against a filing cabinet and prayed. “God, please don’t let it end like this.”
A few moments later, Therapist came to get me. I knew by the way she looked at me. She led me into the office. My Bride was holding open the door for me and so she could leave when I went in. She didn’t look at me. She was crying heavily.
The door closed.
I sat on my normal chair as Therapist took her seat.
I took a big breath. I knew what was coming.
“Martin, we said we would work on marriage counseling until one of you decided they didn’t want to work any longer. Today is that day.
I asked Bride if she was able to give you any of those things you needed (a touch, smile, kiss, hug, a look). She said she could not. I told her that if she is unwilling to work on the issues, that it is unfair of her to come to counseling with you and give you false hope each week as you did do the homework.
She said she was through trying to make it work.”
My greatest fear has been realized. My Bride no longer wishes to be with me.
“I told her to not make any rash, life-changing decisions for awhile. The best thing now is for the two of you to go through a trial separation. Hopefully you can come back together and continue working. If that is the case, I will need to refer you to a new therapist.”
She commented as to how well I was taking it. “Do you think you e know. About this for awhile?”
Yeah, I’ve been expecting this since December. I think I’m taking it this we because I’ve been grieving it since then.
“One thing about grief, you’re not done,”
Oh, I know. I’m just incredibly surprised at how well I’m taking this. Being as codependent as I am, I assumed is be a puddle of mush. It was that Saturday 2 weeks ago that My Bride said it best. I found out I’m getting divorced and it didn’t hurt as bad as I thought it would.
I think I’m going to be alright.
We spoke awhile longer. I told her that I would never be able to forgive myself for what I had done. I said a lot more that I don’t remember. I did have a question though…
Therapist, will My Bride ever…
:::and emotion showed up in a major flood of tears::
I had to stop myself for quite awhile.
Will My Bride ever have the ability to be romantic with another man, or was it just me?
“I don’t know. I’m hoping she will continue therapy with me. You know, you both had a chance to say really bad things about each other. Neither of you did. You both showed concern for the other. That shows a level of commitment to each other that is incredibly rare.
Martin, thank you for allowing me to try and help your marriage. I’m Terribly sorry it didn’t work out. I just knew the 2 of you were going to make it. I’d like you to know how much I respect you and admire you for what you have done.”
My head was spinning the entire time. My heart pounded so hard. I was dizzy and felt immensely weak.
“I have to ask, are you having thoughts of harming yourself?”
No, that thought went through my mind out there. I knew what was going down in here, it wasn’t hard to figure out. But I had the thought and said to myself, ‘No, you have a life to live’ and I dismissed it.
We shook hands and I left.
Part II will detail my interaction with My Bride at home.