Tumbling Wall II

I called My Bride as I drove off. I was astonished when she answered the phone.
“Can I talk to you? Not as your husband. As your friend, it’s been such a long time.”
We need to.
“I’ll be home in a bit and we’ll go to the pond and talk.”
Ok, see you soon.

I got there and my heart broke.

She was crying as she looked across the water.

As I recall, I apologized to her. “I’m not giving up on this marriage. I think it can still work.” I thought you weren’t going to talk to me as my husband. “Sorry, you’re right. I e been doing it since I was a kid. That’s gonna be a hard habit to break,”

We went ahead and talked as estranged husband and wife. I told her I didn’t want a divorce, she said if given the choice she’d do it today.
I told her that I love her.
I love you too.
“I’m willing to wait however long it takes. We’ve only been working, maybe 6 months. Let’s give this done time.”

She nodded yes.
I love you, I don’t want a divorce, but I can’t give you what you need, I don’t have it to give.
I’ll wait. If it takes give years, so be it. That’s ok. I don’t need sex, I need you.

There was A LOT of crying.

I told her I would never forgive myself and that I was sorry for all of the pain I caused.

She asked me to promise that I would keep working. Don’t throw all of your work away. I promised.
“I will always be true to you. Even if we end, I still want to make you proud.”

I asked her to promise me she would continue therapy. She said she would.
“Hopefully you will be able to find a man that can give you what you need. I’m praying you can be intimate again.”
She said no to that. She said she will not marry again and that intimacy is gone.

I told her that without her I’d be in a ditch somewhere.
Please don’t do that.
What?
End up in a ditch.
She asked me to continue praying. I promised to continue.
“Will you be able to pray for me again?”
I never stopped.

A flood of tears raced down my face.

All this time, I had thought she had abandoned me in every way. She hadn’t.

I CAUSED THIS GODDAMN BREAK!!!

My assumptions and constant pushing finally drove her away.

She fucking told me I was pushing her away.

THERE’S A GODDAMN REASON SHE STOPPED TRYING TO GET CLOSE TO ME.

I FUCKING DROVE HER AWAY.

THIS ENTIRE SITUATION IS MY FAULT!

The pain I’m in is constant and almost unbearable.

We discussed money, vehicles and how to tell the kids. When she was ready to go home, I asked if I could drive her. She said yes.

We told the boys one at a time. The youngest took it the hardest.
The middle was truly upset. I had to call the oldest since he’s at college.

I began packing a few things for overnight. I started to walk outside and My Bride was hugging our baby. He’s 14. She was crying hard as they hugged.

I took a load to my car.
He got into his aunt’s truck. I started toward it, she looked at him and he nodded no. I put my hand up and waved to him. He returned the wave.

My Bride and I say on the front step and talked. We hadn’t done that in years and I enjoyed the time.

We talked about a few things. I brought up some memories and we smiled. She asked if we could be friends or if I was going to be ugly.
That hurt a little. Her having to ask that was what hurt. That’s how bad I had gotten.

“You’re my best friend. You’re my kid’s mom. You’re the love of my life. I could never be truly ugly to you.”

My baby boy texted and asked me to come see him before I left. A tear trickled down my face.

After a few more minutes, My Bride said it was time for me to leave. I got up. I didn’t know what to expect. We hadn’t really exchanged hugs, kisses or anything of the like in such a long time. I tried to hug her a few times earlier to comfort her as we waited to tell our boys.

We stood up and faced each other. Then we had the most beautiful hug I’ve ever had.

I held her as tightly as I could.

We stood there hugging and crying huge tears. It was highly emotional. It was incredibly intimate. It was what I had been waiting on for 3 months and it came as I was going away, possibly for good.

I had to take a chance…

“Did you feel something!?”
She started to cry.
“Because if you did, WE still have a chance.”
You really have to go now.

It wasn’t mean or ugly.
She was crying very hard now. Me or sure what to think about that.

I turned from her and walked to my car. I turned around and saw her standing in the doorway, crying. I mouthed the word please. She cried harder and went into the house.

As I got into my car, I could feel a part of me staying behind. I sat there a few moments and wailed. I said a prayer for My Bride and our children and drove away.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Depression, emotion, Lesson, Marriage Issues and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Tumbling Wall II

  1. Pingback: Prayer Request For A Tumbling Wall | Something to Stu (stew) Over

  2. Brother,

    Sorry it has taken so long to respond to this. I honestly just saw it..for some reason. You are welcome! For me prayer works. I would not be where I am today if not the for the heartfelt prayers of others in my life. I shared that story on my Facebook pages as well. I hope you don’t mind that i did that.

    A warrior, though he/she could fight alone, will never win alone.

    God Bless

    • MyJourney says:

      I don’t mind at all. I write these things for therapy and also so they might help anyone else going through what I’m going through.

      I really appreciate prayer, especially the prayer from others.

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