“I really need you to pray for me.”
I do pray for you.
“I mean in front of me and out loud. I don’t care how small it is.”
I’m just waking up…
I rolled over and decided to try and nap for a few minutes. Our of nowhere she began praying for me. It was short and sweet, but she did it.
I’m incredibly confused though. Last night she refused to pray. This morning I basically begged her to do it. My theory being she has lost nearly all desire to be connected with me in any way (that is fact) and praying over me would strengthen our connection and she’s uncomfortable with that. More to say, easier to dissociate and keep herself emotionally numb than connect and be vulnerable to impending and serious pain.
I truly have no clue.
She allows me to spoon her and caress her early mornings.
She tells me she lives me.
This morning our series of ‘a See you later’ pecks was noticeably longer. She even flashed her eyes at me, it was a microsecond, but it did happen.
There are times where I think she might be making some sort of effort to show that she at least cares about me. It’s clearly nowhere near loving, but at least it’s not open hostility anymore. Of course, there ARE times where it becomes open hostility.
I’m told this eventually gets better. I’m told that when we get to the other side we will be exponentially stronger. Deeper on love, deeper connections, deeper relationship with God and incredibly intimate. That we will have actually gone through something as a couple, survived and will them thrive.
I sure hope so because this side of the journey sucks. It sucks a lot. There is precious little joy with overwhelming amounts of pain. From where I stand, the journey looks impossible. BUT- so did graduate school. I made it. She made it. We are both better people from it. Perhaps we do have a shot.
I suppose our journey could be compared to eating an elephant.
How do you eat an elephant?
One bite at a time.