Not Even A Word Or Two?

Ever since we became engaged, My Bride, along with her parents, have expected me to be the spiritual leader of our home. This has ALWAYS been a very uncomfortable position for me. My Bride has an incredibly strong spiritual background. I, on the other hand, used to go to church and sleep.

I brought this to her attention several months ago and she was excited when I told her I would be speaking to The Good Doctor about this. He’s a retired pastor so I thought he’d be a good resource. “Since she has the background, let her be the spiritual leader for awhile and teach you what to do.”

That sounded like a great idea. After the session I told her about it. She wasn’t very happy with that solution. You’re the man, it’s your job was her final statement about it.
Ummmmmm, ok.

So I began floundering about as the spiritual leader of our family. And by that I mean I pray over my family each night as she and I go to bed.

After assuming my role, and doing a very poor job, I asked her if she would pray for me. I already do.
“I’ve never heard it.”
I do it in private.
“I’d like you to do it aloud when I pray.”

She agreed and we prayed together for about 4 days. One day, in January, we just stopped. I prayed one night and she did not. The next night I didn’t pray. We stopped for at least 2 full months.

Then the shit times came upon us. Funny how that works.

I began praying for is again last week sometime. There were 2 days that I had exiled myself to the couch. I was trying to give her space. This evening I prayed for us again.

Last week she asked why I never prayed for myself. I told her I was leaving that up to her. It seems to me the person praying should say the whole prayer.
This was a change from months ago.

This evening I asked what I could pray for. Nothing…these cramps I prayed for her, the cramps, our kids and our marriage.
“Will you pray for me?”
No
“What!?”
I can’t do it
“Is it a God thing or is it a me thing?”
I don’t know
“We need to pray together.
Is this an intimacy thing?”
I don’t know. I already pray for you, just not out loud.
We need to pray together.”
I do my praying in the morning
“Ok, let’s pray in the morning.”
I don’t pray first thing in the morning

When she said that I knew what was up. She’s avoiding me in prayer. I’m pretty sure that had I said I’ll take off every morning until the end of time so we can pray together she would have told me she couldn’t because she started praying during lunch.

This is an intimacy issue. She has lost so much feeling for me she can’t even pray for me. I’m going to repeat that so it sinks in a little better. She has list do much feeling for me she can’t even pray for me.

I was fully aware that she doesn’t want me to touch her. She doesn’t want to kiss me. She doesn’t want to look into my eyes. She generally doesn’t want to speak with me. She doesn’t want to be comforted by me. If it has to do with me, she doesn’t want it.

Tonight was literally shocking to me.
I don’t want to pray for you runs through my mind.

Dude, she’s prayed for a homeless guy she and her sister took to lunch (brother in law and my buff kids were there too) a few years ago. She prayed for our dog a few years ago. I have never heard her pray more than 5-6 times the entire 21+ years of our marriage. Most of those were because I asked for them in January.

She says she prays for me. Why won’t she do it out loud and in front of me?

When your spouse loses all trust and respect for you, all intimacy goes with it.

She lost trust and respect for me when I disclosed. I was told a new trust and respect had been built, but that simply cannot be true based on the evidence I can see.

Back in late April she smiled at me. My heart began pounding! My body, quite literally, went weak and numb when I realized she was smiling at something her sister had just said.

I AM NOT BITCHING!!! I’m just saying what’s up.

I am terrified of our future.
No genuine smiles
No comfort
Forced kisses
Forced hugs
Minimal emotional exchanges
No joy
No fun
No desire
No love
No touch

That’s just the way it is. When I asked for her comfort the other day she said, I can’t give you what I don’t have.

I’ve seen her show compassion and comfort to stray dogs. Her husband? She has such disdain for him that he does not rate the same comfort or compassion.

That’s pretty fucking tough, guys.

Again, she says she loves me. However, I can only remember her saying I love you in response to my I love you. She doesn’t bring it up as I remember.

So I live in the doghouse.
I am not supposed to be self-destructive so I can learn to like myself. I’m having extreme difficulty because of this shit.

Will I ever become worthy of her love, trust and respect again? I’m going on 9 months without. I’m 4+ months without sexual contact with her. Hell, I just found out that me physically comforting her is sexual on her mind.

This road fucking sucks. I’ve been told there’s another side to it. I have to develop faith to believe it. Right now, I don’t believe things will ever improve. People keep telling me how wrong I am.

I wonder if google maps could give me a hook up?

There are soooo many doubts and zero answers.

Is there any way you can show me love?
I’m here

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Depression, Marriage Issues, Progress, Sex, Sex Addiction and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Not Even A Word Or Two?

  1. Man, that is my ex to a capital T. You are still married..there is hope. You are alive..there is hope. You have God…there is hope.
    I have some questions for you, but I am not going to share them here. Not that they are too personal or anything. I mean crap we both are pretty upfront. For me it is a respect thing. Look me up on Facebook.
    Maybe afterwards we can both write about the questions and answers.
    God Bless

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