Your struggles make you extremely difficult to live with. I don’t know who will be at the house each day. Is it the nice guy, ass hole, fighter or a combination of them all?
Because I AM bipolar, she often speaks of her need to ‘walk on eggshells’ for fear of triggering a wild swing in me. She tells me that my mood swings make me incredibly difficult to live with. Yet her reactions/interactions with me are wildly bipolar.
One thing Therapist said last week was that My Bride is continually being drug through my roller coaster of emotions and shouldn’t be expected to continue with that for long. I only have one question about that:
Is therapist recommending she leave me because I have a mental illness?
Seriously, is it cool to suggest a couple to split up because one of them struggles mightily with bipolar disorder!?
That leads to another area. In all of our therapy sessions, Therapist will listen about my mood swings. She will eventually ask My Bride, “You’re exhausted, aren’t you?” That’s called leading the witness in law. Here’s what gets me- Therapist has NEVER asked me how I feel.
One thing I feared in our therapy was bias. Therapist was our marriage counselor back in September through the middle of November. My Bride decide we needed to halt our counseling so she could go individual therapy. She choose to use Therapist because of the familiarity. Back in early March, My Bride said she was ready to resume marriage counseling. Therapist and I discussed this during our initial session. My Bride fell I’ll so I went alone. She asked if I was ok with her being our marriage counselor again. “I have no problem unless I think you’re biased toward her.” She was happy with that and asked me to bring it up if I thought there was a bias.
Today is the day.
I do not want to STOP seeing Therapist, she’s the best I’ve ever been with. I just want to let her know that I’d like a little bit of that compassion she shows My Bride.
It’s not like I intentionally behave as a dickish asshole bent on destroying My Bride’s psyche. That part of me is totally unintentional. I NEED help with those things.
It’s crazy how needy I have become. 10 years ago I would have made fun of the guy I am now. I’d have called him a whiny, needy bitch that needs to stop acting like such a fucking pussy. Now I’m scouring the planet for any comfort I can get. Only there’s none to be found. So I end up acting like a dickish asshole to garner SOME attention. ‘Perhaps my actions will bring compassion along.’
Nope, that doesn’t work out. Not even with My Bride.
What used to happen was, I would show her an emotional need. She would attend to that need. I felt comforted and loved for.
I show an emotional need, she ignores the need, I ask her to comfort me, she puts her arm on me, I BEG for serious comfort, she gripes that I’m saying what she’s doing isn’t good enough (it isn’t), feelings get hurt worse, she tells me she has nothing to give me and feelings go even deeper into hurt.
As a result I go further into depression. Deepening depression leads to mood swings, wild mood swings. Wild mood swings leads to her further dissociating from me. Further dissociating leads to greater emotional death. Greater emotional death leads to our emotional/spiritual/intimate connection being further severed. That severing leads to further depression. And if you give a mouse a cookie…
(parents will get that)
We find ourselves on multiple, vicious cycles. Each capable of destroying a relationship. Each rotating at various speeds and levels of destruction.
I want to get off of these fucking cycles and I don’t know how!!! When I try and just do it, I ask My Bride to help me.
THIS is why everything looks so bleak from my viewpoint. Apparently THIS is what going through things to become stronger means.
It fucking sucks green donkey dicks.