My Bride and I are GROSSLY out of touch with each other. There seems to be no synchronicity between us. There is precious little connection.
I am no longer aware of what makes her happy. What does she find humorous? How does she feel about the death penalty? What’s her opinion on climate change? When was the last time she was happy about spending time with me? If given the choice of isolation or spending a day with me, which would she choose? Does she ever smile when she thinks of me? Do her memories of our marriage make her happy? Is there a warmth for me within her mind? Is there a desire to become close with me again?
I used to ask some of these questions. I don’t bother anymore. The answers have always been (since Last August) I don’t know, I can’t remember, I have no idea, what are you talking about? Please stop pushing me. she makes it pretty clear that my questions make her uncomfortable (at best) or makes her want to push away at worst.
I’m desperately trying to develop a new connection with her. Her distaste for a new connection is palpable. She puts off a VERY noticeable “Stay the Fuck Away” vibe at all times to me.
It took me a longtime to figure this out. She doesn’t like me anymore. She says she loves me, but how? When I ask her to demonstrate comfort or love in some way (hug, kiss, touch) she says she cannot. I can’t give what I don’t have is her usual response.
If she is unable to even show me BASIC human comfort, I start believing those voices in my head. “Dude, she’s playing you. You guys won’t last to July at this rate.” Another big one is, “Hey, you realize she’s staying with you until she teaches some kind of healing trend and you’re out the fucking door do she can start over.”
Last night she COULDN’T pray for me! If the voices are correct, she can’t pray with/for me because that causes connections and that’s the LAST thing she wants. Connections will make the end much more painful. It will be faaaaar easier to cut off someone you no longer have feelings for.
If My a Bride reads this there are a few possible reactions.
1. Seriously? You think I’m just waiting to end it all! I think you try and find faults with things just to complain.
2. You’re writing your own reality again.
3. That’s exactly what’s going on in my mind. I could never put my finger on it. Get the fuck out.
In any of those situations, I’m being bitch-slapped with pain.