She Did What You Asked

[Edited Note]
This was written when I was in a VERY tired state. This post skips around some and has sections that are totally unrelated.

I signed up for Covenant Eyes today. Pastor is my accountability partner and My Bride is the filter administrator. Now it’s just time to get it all set up and running.

Sweet!!
Even though my entire online presence will now be monitored by another person, aside from the government, I’m at total peace with it.

New Info
A few months back I asked My Bride to confide in her sister (MBS). MBS is a divorcee who’s husband was a pretty big prick. He cheated on her with their best friend’s wife. They both divorced their spouse and married each other. That’s pretty fucked up. So 2 families were destroyed by asshole behavior.

Brother-In-Law might have be my equal, perhaps even worse, of a porn addict. That’s not info from MBS, that’s from me talking with him. There are certain phrases and topics that only perverts broach. He knew them all plus way more than even I was aware of. Knowing this made me pretty confident that MBS would be a great source of comfort for My Bride. She resisted for a pretty long time.

A few days after MBS moved in, I again encouraged My Bride to dump everything on MBS’s lap. Sister had a pretty good idea I was an addict. I demonstrated intimate knowledge of the minutia of 12-step recovery. You don’t learn that from just chillin.

That very night My Bride went upstairs and did it. I knew she did because I had basically pleaded with her to do so. Later that night I realized I hadn’t seen either of them in a really long time. I trundled upstairs, asked if it was cool for me to come in, and could tell some serious shit had been going down.

I knew My Bride had shared my secret. My heart raced. My face went flush. My legs and knees went weak. I could feel the beginnings of a panic attack.

We went downstairs.
“Did you tell her?”
Tell her what?
“About me!?”
Some. She was talking about not being able to trust men. Anytime she does, they betray her. I told her I understood feeling betrayed and losing all trust. I told her about your addiction. I told her about you promising time after time you’d stop but never did. I told her that I have no trust in you because of it. I told her I know about feeling betrayed and that we don’t have sex anymore.
“You didn’t tell her anything else?”
No.

Funny, she did what I asked and it freaked me out.

What!?
Last weekend I blew something like 17 gaskets, yelled and severely cursed at My Bride as I told her I wanted a D-word. I packed my shit, told her to fuck off (I still can’t believe this happened) and stormed the hell out. I was gone 4 hours.

My Bride thought she was getting divorced. She came to terms with it quickly. In counseling she said that the thought didn’t hurt anywhere near as much as she thought it would.
:::Knife To Heart And Twisted Many Times:::

I begged her to take me back. I seriously degraded myself to her so she would consider the concept of the thought of taking me back. I fucked up, knew it, she knew it and it truly felt the need to be punished.

After things had considerably calmed, I asked the only thing I could think on.

“Did you ever tell your sister about me?”
What?

{This is some kind of enormous mental thing for me. I become obsessed with the thought that if anything bad ever happens, everyone she knows will learn of my secret life. That would be a severe humiliation}

What are you talking about? Did I tell her what about you? She knows about your addiction.
“Did you tell my secret?”
She knows you cheated on me with multiple men.
“No, I mean did you tell her about me XYZing?” (I said the exact words then)
Yes.
“I guess you told her when I flipped out.”
No, I told her that a long time ago.
“What!? When?”

She said she didn’t know when she told her. I asked if was when she told her of my addiction. I don’t know. Maybe, it might have been later.
“But you said you had never told her.”
You TOLD ME TO DO IT!!

My Bride did exactly what I asked her to do. It made me mad. MAD! WTF!?!? I think this is a case of Mr. Control Freak coming out and running amok. Why was I upset and having a panic attack?

Because I didn’t control the message. I was afraid of being judged. I was embarrassed and the thought of someone that I didn’t approve of knowing (stupid mindset btw) having access to all of my dirty laundry was unthinkable. I didn’t regulate the story.

I’m seriously glad she did it. BUT, when I found out MBS knew EVERYTHING, I felt all of my original shame and self-hatred flood over me again.

Thank goodness the next night brought me direct contact with God. I seriously may have encountered dire consequences.

My Bride needs someone that can relate to her. It’s incredible that her sister can be that person.

I will do everything within my power to become a man of integrity. That includes embracing the fact that My Bride needs to run her own recovery.

Having zero control over things is tough for me. I hate being out of control.

Guess what. I have to get used to it. I pray for God to move me and order my steps.

Time to focus and actually do what I’ve been told.

Advertisements

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Depression, emotion, Marriage Issues, Progress, Recovery, Sex Addiction and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to She Did What You Asked

  1. I’ve been on the receiving end of that and it sucks. Makes me feel like I don’t know what to do ever and have to walk on eggshells. Glad you realize what you did and why, now learn from it!!!! So much emotional abuse in this addiction and crazy making. Partners feel like they are going crazy too and do have shame as well and feel so alone. Glad you are using this tool to inform others and to get better and have the life you really want and deserve for you and your wife.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s