50-50…Nope

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What a great sentiment.
Sadly, I have been giving MAYBE 50% to my marriage. Hell, that was probably on my best days. Normally, I’d say My Bride gave 100% and I gave nothing but sure withdrew a lot.

After disclosure I think I came up to around 5%. I know she dropped her effort significantly though. Why the hell would she keep on giving if I was being do selfish? That was probably when she took sex off the table.

In the following months, My Bride began ramping back up. Is say she was at a solid 95% around Christmas. I would’ve been 25%. In February, when things started dropping again, her input probably dropped too. Makes sense.

I don’t think anything had gotten better when I screwed up last weekend. So her already low marriage input has been cut dramatically. This is not a gripe by the way. She SHOULD drop her effort level. She doesn’t know if this is going any further at all.

We have counseling this afternoon. I know precisely what’s going to happen. One of us will tell of my weekend dumb-assery and it shall begin. “Why did you do that? What did you want? Do you want a divorce? Bride, what do you think?”

This will be an all out assault on my actions. I’m not complaining either. They SHOULD take me to task. It’s just going to suck.

Contributions
Though I’m supposed to focus on me, I’m still a married guy. That means I have spousal responsibilities and duties. Those must be attended to. But not THAT duty…yet With that in mind, there are things I have to do.

I have to care for My Bride spiritually. I also have to make sure she understands my commitment to her. Not anything pushy or smothering, though I do go there sometimes. I have to make sure she is physically cared for. I have to attend to her emotional needs as she allows.

Aside from God, My Bride is my heart’s desire. I simply must make sure she knows it. Providing her time and space the best things I can do for her right now.

My Worries
My Bride and I exchanged a few emails today. I sent here’s lengthy message last night after she fell asleep. I covered my hopes and strategies and what not. Her response was telling.
I like these words. Idk what to say back though. I’m kinda in my numb protective shell right now and I don’t really want to come out. I’m afraid to come out. I know I love you, but that’s about all I’m sure of right now.

There’s something missing in there that used to always be said. She left out, “We’ll get through this together.” That was always the word of encouragement that gave me hope.

That hope has been removed. I’m not hopeless, but the safety net is gone. I now know that this is it. There are no more do-overs. There are no more chances. If I make a major mess up, she’ll end it. She would have to. She HAS to protect herself.

Odd as this sounds to me, I’m a perfectionist. I’m a messy son-of-a-bitch, but with recovery, I expect perfection. If I have stray thoughts I kind if freak out. If I slip, I freak out. If I say the wrong thing, I freak out.

What happens when this carries over to my healing as a husband? If I mess up, will I freak out, like last Saturday, and drop nuclear bombs of emotional pain? If I do, my marriage is over.

I must do what Pastor said: Focus on truth.

Another: Worry about me.

Another: Focus on what you control.

My Bride is still my number one focus. I haven’t yet made the transition over to God yet. I’m working at it, but I ain’t there yet.

Today, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I prayed aloud by myself. I asked God’s forgiveness of my sins. I named them off one one a time. Well, what came to mind at least. I begged God to transform me. I begged God to ms me. I WAS broken Sunday. I am putty in His hand to mold. I asked God to pick me up and carry me to recovery. I asked Him to carry My Bride to healing. I begged God to build our marriage anew.

My main message to My Bride in that email was that God and only God can save us now. Our problems are beyond this world. If God wants us together, He will make it happen. I’m claiming God’s healing mercy over our marriage!

If God heals us, what a powerful message we will have to spread about His glory! That thought is the ONLY thing keeping me from melting down right now.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in emotion, Marriage Issues, Progress, Recovery and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to 50-50…Nope

  1. I have enjoyed reading your posts and a lot of what you write goes on in my marriage as well. You and my husband are very similar and at times I question whether it is actually him speaking:) Your honesty and truthfulness here is very refreshing and gives me hope that someday my husband will get to that place too. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of your recovery and journey.

    • MyJourney says:

      Thank you! It’s kind of nice to know someone else goes through similar things. Well, it sucks that you’re going through similar things, but nice to know we aren’t alone.

      Thanks for reading. Sometimes it’s tough to make myself write, even though it is therapeutic. Comments like yours gives me hope.

    • MyJourney says:

      Dude!!! I just saw somewhere you’re training to be a trauma specialist. Are there ANY seriously good partner resources in the Central United States?

      • Yes there are some, look on the apsats website. I also run a support group on Monday nights for partners and all of the group members are from the US. It is done through conferencing through phone or computer. It is a good way to get support from those who understand, I give exercises to do and info, and it works well in conjunction to therapy or even alone if people can’t afford therapy. The cost is $30 per month and the calls are at least an hour a week, usually a bit longer and I also check in with the group members through the week as well. I have done all of my training and am certified as a coach in addictions and relationships and have taken and completed the partner trauma due to sex addiction training and am.just waiting for the certification of that. You can always check out my website at betteryourselfcoaching.com or email me at info@betteryourselfcoaching.com for more info

        One thing to note is I do not follow the codependency model and instead the trauma model. My groups are also not 12 steps and based on up to date info. I hope to run groups for teens and those with sex addictions too:) just have to get some interest and then I will start them up as well:)

      • MyJourney says:

        That’s the model our therapist is using for My Bride. They realized, immediately, she wasn’t in the codependent camp.

      • Just to give you an idea of how the support group goes. We have check in which is very relaxed and a way to keep track of where we are at and also to know how each member in the group is coping. Then we have a topic of discussion, this week is the types of partners trauma because there are quite a few and if you think it is affecting you, questions and cross talk allowed. Then we will review the homework for this week which was to build a trauma help kit for yourself and also to do daily monitoring of your triggers with a worksheet, this is also a discussion and cross talk and validation time and then we close the meeting. I send out info during the week and handouts with info and exercises to do. People can contact me by phone or email anytime through out the week if they need extra.support or to share a success with me that can’t wait until group. We are trying to decide how we want to close the meeting and sharing a song that resonates with one of us or maybe a good quote someone likes or has seen are two of the ideas so far. It is going great and there are members from Florida and Washington state right now:). This is my passion now, to help others that were in my shoes or.my husbands or who may one day be, with accurate knowledge and proper up to date education, with support and care, with validation and empathy and to help as many.people as I can:)

    • MyJourney says:

      Specifically North of Texas and South of Kansas.

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