What a great sentiment.
Sadly, I have been giving MAYBE 50% to my marriage. Hell, that was probably on my best days. Normally, I’d say My Bride gave 100% and I gave nothing but sure withdrew a lot.
After disclosure I think I came up to around 5%. I know she dropped her effort significantly though. Why the hell would she keep on giving if I was being do selfish? That was probably when she took sex off the table.
In the following months, My Bride began ramping back up. Is say she was at a solid 95% around Christmas. I would’ve been 25%. In February, when things started dropping again, her input probably dropped too. Makes sense.
I don’t think anything had gotten better when I screwed up last weekend. So her already low marriage input has been cut dramatically. This is not a gripe by the way. She SHOULD drop her effort level. She doesn’t know if this is going any further at all.
We have counseling this afternoon. I know precisely what’s going to happen. One of us will tell of my weekend dumb-assery and it shall begin. “Why did you do that? What did you want? Do you want a divorce? Bride, what do you think?”
This will be an all out assault on my actions. I’m not complaining either. They SHOULD take me to task. It’s just going to suck.
Though I’m supposed to focus on me, I’m still a married guy. That means I have spousal responsibilities and duties. Those must be attended to. But not THAT duty…yet With that in mind, there are things I have to do.
I have to care for My Bride spiritually. I also have to make sure she understands my commitment to her. Not anything pushy or smothering, though I do go there sometimes. I have to make sure she is physically cared for. I have to attend to her emotional needs as she allows.
Aside from God, My Bride is my heart’s desire. I simply must make sure she knows it. Providing her time and space the best things I can do for her right now.
My Bride and I exchanged a few emails today. I sent here’s lengthy message last night after she fell asleep. I covered my hopes and strategies and what not. Her response was telling.
I like these words. Idk what to say back though. I’m kinda in my numb protective shell right now and I don’t really want to come out. I’m afraid to come out. I know I love you, but that’s about all I’m sure of right now.
There’s something missing in there that used to always be said. She left out, “We’ll get through this together.” That was always the word of encouragement that gave me hope.
That hope has been removed. I’m not hopeless, but the safety net is gone. I now know that this is it. There are no more do-overs. There are no more chances. If I make a major mess up, she’ll end it. She would have to. She HAS to protect herself.
Odd as this sounds to me, I’m a perfectionist. I’m a messy son-of-a-bitch, but with recovery, I expect perfection. If I have stray thoughts I kind if freak out. If I slip, I freak out. If I say the wrong thing, I freak out.
What happens when this carries over to my healing as a husband? If I mess up, will I freak out, like last Saturday, and drop nuclear bombs of emotional pain? If I do, my marriage is over.
I must do what Pastor said: Focus on truth.
Another: Worry about me.
Another: Focus on what you control.
My Bride is still my number one focus. I haven’t yet made the transition over to God yet. I’m working at it, but I ain’t there yet.
Today, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I prayed aloud by myself. I asked God’s forgiveness of my sins. I named them off one one a time. Well, what came to mind at least. I begged God to transform me. I begged God to ms me. I WAS broken Sunday. I am putty in His hand to mold. I asked God to pick me up and carry me to recovery. I asked Him to carry My Bride to healing. I begged God to build our marriage anew.
My main message to My Bride in that email was that God and only God can save us now. Our problems are beyond this world. If God wants us together, He will make it happen. I’m claiming God’s healing mercy over our marriage!
If God heals us, what a powerful message we will have to spread about His glory! That thought is the ONLY thing keeping me from melting down right now.