I am beginning to see truth in my life.
I am NOT worthless
I am NOT a failure
I am NOT a loser
I am NOT a pervert
I am NOT unloveable
I am NOT a freak
I am NOT alone
It appears that I learn best from getting my ass kicked.
Last November, it took My Bride finally losing it and bitch slapping me with reality for me to take my first step. I finally came clean about being molested. I finally came clean about my addiction and stuff.
It took My Bride having PTSD flashbacks a few months ago for me to understand sex was immensely painful and mentally destructive to her.
It took a self-inflicted disaster this last weekend for me to understand the depth of my denial.
It took that disaster for me to finally become so desperate for healing, I was willing to crawl to a friend for help. I didn’t want to do it. I was ashamed of how I had left our relationship. I HAD to swallow my pride and do it.
I am so glad I was able to do it. I truly had no other choice.
As Pastor and I talked, I fought back my tears. “I cannot show this emotion to anyone” is always going through my mind. Somehow I was able to keep MOST of my emotion hidden. Only a couple of tears fell.
It took that experience for me to swallow my pride even more and show up for a small group discussion at church.
There was NO way I would show anything in that group.
I was literally dying at the end of the meeting. My sleep has been horrible lately and it has had a major impact on me.
“Guys, I gotta go. I’m about to turn into a pumpkin.”
Ok, can we pray for you?
And then it happened.
God moved. God told these people what they needed to pray for. He led them to hit every major issue I’m dealing with:
It was around 15 seconds into the prayer that my emotional wall displayed a crack. It was a minute later that I was letting a bit of that emotion out. It wax about 10 seconds later that God reached into my heart, mind and soul and told me these people care about me. I only know 4 of them, yet those people all poured love and compassion upon me.
In less than 5 minutes, God took my bitterness toward Him and cast it away. The spiritual hardness I had developed from that crappy altar call experience was blown up.
God beautifully broke my soul.
I didn’t care what anyone thought. “He’s crying, what a pussy” used to go through my mind. I was never able to worship God at church. I’m friends with some of these people. They’re going to think I’m some kind of fruity guy if I show emotion toward God.
Growing up, anytime my father went to church with us, I was terrified of seriously participating. If the sermon touched me, and I knew I was to answer the call, I couldn’t do it. Dad was watching. He was literally looking at me and it scared the crap out of me. If I answered that call, I knew he would be embarrassed.
That has stuck with me my entire life. Never have I been able to lose myself in worship or give God serious attention in public. I’ve never been able to give God my attention at all. In fact, with rare exceptions, I have run away from God.
Last night, God made me participate. He spoke to me through those people. Even though they had no idea who I was, they showed me instant love and compassion. They did not judge me. They immediately accepted me and comforted me through prayer.
I learned that if someone judges me for worshipping God or for allowing God to move in me, I don’t want a relationship with them. My relationship with God is the ONLY thing I have to worry about.
Nothing else matters.