My Bride sat on the couch, listening intently, as I told of the incredible spiritual experience I had just encountered. There were no questions. There were no reactions. She just sat and listened.
We didn’t speak again the rest of the night. I went to bed before everyone else. I was dead tired.
I awoke a few times during the night. She was in spooning position each time. Sometimes in position to spoon me, others I her. We never got closer than 3 feet apart though. We were both awake around 5:30 this morning. Both in obvious spoon position.
Never closer than 3 feet.
I got out of bed and got ready for work. Part of my routine puts me in the bathroom she uses to do whatever women do to get ready.
I sat on the counter looking at her.
What are you doing?
I’m looking at you. You’re very pretty.
It makes me uncomfortable to be watched like that.
I told her I was leaving for work. I looked at her. She leaned over and gave me a very quick peck. Just a peck. But I loved that peck. In less than a second I felt the warmth if her body. In than a second, I also felt a coldness in her spirit.
I looked at her as I said I love you. She did not return the look. A very brief moment passed and she said I love you too. It was after she said it that she looked at me. The look lasted less than a second.
She has been wounded deeply. Again. She was wounded when she learned of my porn use as a newlywed. Again she was wounded each time she found out about my lies and cover ups. She was cut to the core when I disclosed my addiction and activities that came along with it. Her wounds were savagely ripped open with the meanest, most evil activity I ever perpetrated on humanity in early December. She was hurt several times over the past 2 months. She was severely wounded last weekend when I told he I wanted a divorce, packed my things and left.
Those are things I can never change. I can never UNDO the damage or the pains.
Her coldness is understandable. Her distance is understandable.
“I’m afraid to get close to you. I don’t want to get hurt again” has been said more than once this year.
And right when she lets me into her circle…
BLAMMO! The pain train comes in and runs her over.
Pastor told me yesterday that she has heard my excuses hundreds of times. She has listened and learned that I’m not telling the truth when I say I won’t hurt you this time.
Pastor said she will only get close to you when she notices you changing. You don’t have to tell her what you’re doing. In fact, don’t tell her what you’re doing. She will see it and notice it IF you change things. Then and ONLY then will she want a relationship with you.
When you start walking with The Father, she will draw close to you. Not to you, as a person, but to you do she can draw close to The Father as well. That’s all you need of her anyway.
That all goes back to the marriage triangle. Man and woman get closer as they both get closer to God.
“We don’t have a chance without God” was a text she sent the other day after I had yelled at God in a post.
Again, she’s right.
Everyone I’m involved with in my recovery has been right. Work on you. Worry about you. Take care of you.
Last night I had a spiritual reawakening. I didn’t need a mega church to help me. I didn’t need the TV guy, his minions actually, to help me. I went back to the one place I had been experiencing God yesterday. They prayed for me.
Can we pray for you? I said sure, knowing it wouldn’t do it mean anything.
They started praying for my healing. They prayed about the spirit of worthlessness over me. The spirit of shame. The spirit of pain and fear. They prayed for my physical pain. They prayed for my shackles to be stripped away. They prayed that my warrior spirit be restored.
They didn’t know diddly shit about me. I knew 2 out of 20 people. I got there at the same time as them. There wasn’t any time for something to be set up in advance.
God Himself spoke to me last night.
God showed up exactly when I needed Him.
I was seriously considering suicide again. I had made a new plan. It would look like an accident.
GOD showed up yesterday.
Those “negative” interactions with My Bride? They aren’t negative. They’re just interactions. God showed me the plan. He showed me that what I see as negatives are being transformed into a tool for His glory.
Everything I bitch about on here is perfectly reasonable, from her standpoint. God is transforming the rotten parts of my life and my brain into a powerful tool.
Yeah, I have a lot to earn back from My Bride. Ok.
I have to prove that I WANT her. I have to prove to her, through actions, that I am worthy of her trust and love.
Friendship, respect, joy, love and intimacy…Those are all the things I EARNED from her as a teenager. I broke down her defensive walls by being the man she needed and wanted.
When I earned her love, respect and intimacy, I treated her as she deserved to be treated. I respected her. I loved her. I treated her like she WAS my everything. That’s because she was my everything.
Porn addiction changed that.
J.C. and The Man are going to see that porn addiction thrown to hell where it came from. Porn in my life just took a flying leap into the river of fire.
I met God again last night. He told me that My Bride is desperate for love and respect. My Bride is desperate for pure love and intimacy. My Bride is desperate to be treated in a Godly manner. God said He will teach me how to do it.
I met God last night. He said He will carry me the rest of the way.
I met God last night. He said He will carry us the rest of the way. He will build us as a new creation that will glorify HIS name through the work He does in us.
I met God last night. He said I’m going to make it. He’s got my back.