Since I was unceremoniously ripped from sleep I’ll write a bit to keep fro medicating.
My Bride sent me this text:
“I see you denied god and given up on him. I hope you realize we can’t make it without him.”
She went on to tell me denying God is a deal breaker. I explained that I haven’t denied god. I said he isn’t involved in my life. He has other things to do. I believe on God. I just think I’m not on his to do list.
I’m painfully aware that we need him.
We talked about how I need to reconnect with God.
“How do I do it?”
I dunno, I have no answers.
This went back and forth.
I finally announced I would try and connect with someone at church and get straightened out. I sent an email to my guy.
Why are you talking to him? You said it got you nowhere.
I’ll contact people at several churches.
I emailed a church that has a very famous mental health component. Please help me..blah, blah, blah. I don’t need a bible study, I don’t need to be told to read a book. I need one on one blah, blah, blah.
That guy wrote me back
I’m sorry you’re having such difficulties. I would recommend you contact Ministries of Jesus. MOJ is a part of our church. Their number is xxx-xxxx. They have people who are professionally trained and can help. They can talk with you individually. And, although you indicated you’re not interested in a group, there are group ministries at MOJ that have helped many people. I would urge you to try them. You indicated you’re not interested in a Bible study, Martin you should know that all our ministries to help people are based on Scripture. If you don’t want to know what the Bible says that’s applicable to you then I’m not sure we can help you. However, I’d be happy to speak with you to, among other things, reassure you that, if you’ve accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior, then God does love you and has a plan for your life, and you can find peace and fulfillment in Him.
I pray that’s encouraging.
Ok, that contact was worthless.
I emailed my former pastor. We were pretty close as fas as church is concerned. After receiving permission, I dumped my story on him. His response brought me to tears.
I wasn’t badly abused as a child but I did have some sexual abuse that scarred me. I was addicted to pornography and did things that I thought that there was no way that God or ‘good’ people could forgive me but the truth is He did and He does. You have had a lot of hurt, my friend, stuff that my words can’t fix – but things that He does fix. The truth is this you were not abandoned by God…you may have been abandoned/forgotten by man. I live in the presence of a very real and very BIG God who has transformed my life into something I could never imagined. I am free. I am whole. I am forgiven. I am surrounded by a church family that helps me be accountable and real…. They make mistakes but honestly I have never been part of something so real and life giving…. I am not trying to sell a church – I just know that in the last year God is doing a deep move here (healing, freedom, joy, life, community). We have stepped back from being the senior pastors and a close friends X and Y are pastoring but we are very much part of the community. I am saying that because I want you to see that it is not about personalities but about Jesus. The One who came to save us. You need Him. You need a real encounter and you need a real community of believers to be around you. That’s not an answer that you were probably looking for but I know that He is real and I know where I see Him at work and I know He is the answer.
I cried as I wrote his email. I cried hard. Are you laughing or crying? I’m crying. I sob prayed. I asked for God’s forgiveness. I asked him to help me. That’s all I’ve got now.
I found out, again, I’m not alone. This time it’s someone I know AND trust. I already have a relationship with this guy. He knows me and what I’m about. This one might work out.
I’m going to my old church tomorrow. I’m hoping for something positive to happen. I don’t care what it is, I just need something positive.