Not A Fan

I’m a teacher and do NOT like my current teaching position. I’m ill-equipped to teach this subject. I’ve the credentials and education, but I’m a high school guy teaching elementary. It’s a private hell working with this age group. Knowing my feelings toward my job, one might think I live for the weekends. That would be very wrong.

During the weekend I have full and unrestricted access to what spurs my depression. My marriage.

During the week I have somewhere around 3 hours of actual contact with My Bride. The overwhelming majority of that time is spent with other people. Our alone time equals about 15 minutes a day. That is exclusively the time we lay next to one another in bed hoping to fall asleep.

All of that above is changed dramatically during the weekend. We spend around 2-3 hours away from each other on the weekend. That time apart consists of naps, cleaning, grocery shopping or whatever random events that may pop up. A lot of our time together is not filtered with the presence of others, those folks are doing things.

Here is an enormous problem we have to overcome. I want to do things. I want to be active, very active. My Bride, she wants to do nothing. By nothing, I mean nothing. She is very content with sitting at the house and that’s it. Her desired activity level drives me nuts.

why don’t you just get out and do something then? With whom shall I do that? I don’t have friends. As in, I have zero fucking friends. My Bride is the only person I can seriously call my friend, and she doesn’t like me right now.

Here I am, wanting to do things. I have a desire and drive to move around and have some sort of activity. Yet my only partner has the exact opposite drive. So I end up just existing during the weekends.

What do you do with your time? I sit. I watch tv, browse the internet and write a little. Oh yeah, I also try and get to know My Bride. I try and have conversations with her.

My attempts to interact with her simply pisses her off.

Let’s do X.
Why not?
I hate that kind of thing.
Let’s do Y.
Why not?
I hate that too.
:::at this point, frustration has grown to a palpable level:::
I’m going to go take a nap.

Her naps usually aren’t naps. Meaning she doesn’t usually sleep. I assume, and I know the danger with that, that she just wants to be rid of me during that time. After about an hour, she comes back in.
“How did you sleep?”
Oh, I didn’t get to sleep.

Sometime during the weekend, I will attempt a serious conversation. She haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaates that. But that’s all I’m left with. I’ve tried to get some sort of activity going. I’ve tried to have get to know you time.
I get shot down at every turn.
The only thing I’m left with is to try and actually accomplish something.

I have started to hate weekends because we always end up having these fights.

What she calls a fight and what I call a fight are two wildly different concepts. I think of a fight as disagreeing on something and bitching at the other and beating the other about the head with your ideas until you’re both super pissed off and want to punch a wall. You know, highly aggressive.

She sees a fight as anytime two people disagree.

Here I sit, waiting for her to come out of her be alone time (she was up hours before me mind you) so we can have our normal interaction.

I’ve already asked her to do X, Y and Z only to be turned down. We had a date last night. first off, no we didn’t. We had dinner at our son’s restaurant and watched him wait tables. There was no intentional “I wanna spend time with you” going on. THAT would have been a date. Secondly, we came immediately home and went our separate ways.

Since I’ve already been through my “let’s do” thises, our uncomfortable “fights” are coming soon.

We have drifted apart in major ways. I feel she doesn’t want to do anything with me or even be around me.
I am not a fan of weekends now.
I hate them.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Depression, emotion, Marriage Issues and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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