Think It Over
I am really big into analysis. Be it politics, relationships, education or whatever, I truly enjoy figuring out how and why things happen.
I found myself picking my jaw off the ground twice in the past 18 hours. Yesterday, as I did my normal afternoon research into whatever flew into my mind, I read that people like me use their brain as a defense mechanism.
It’s very common for a person to over intellectualize their situation. It’s also incredibly common to dissociate their intellect from their feelings. I am a HUGE practitioner of both.
I find it incredibly easy to take emotion out if a situation and work problems from an intellectual level. Removing emotion makes it easier to confront things. I, being a good Vulcan (dear god, I cannot believe I wrote that and didn’t edit it out), try to keep emotion away as much as possible.
My Bride has been talking about it since this entire mess kicked off. My personal therapist has NOT picked up on it. Our marriage therapist has seen it and commented on it. To my knowledge, none of them have said anything about those practices being a defense mechanism to keep me from dealing with my pain.
I like to work as clinically as possible. So what?
In order to deal with my issues, I have to learn how to deal with my emotions. There’s a LOT of pain within me that must get out. Being clinical merely delays the process.
Sex Addicts generally come from dysfunctional families of extremes. Parents are either too strict or not at all strict, completely absent or helicopter parents. Abuse is also a huge part of sex addiction.
I was abused every way possible. My father was overly strict, my mother tried to be strict but ended up as a door mat.
Here’s where round 2 of picking up my jaw happened.
I was reading an article, written by a pretty well known sex therapist, that spoke about sex addicts being codependent.
It may not be immediately obvious why this is so. Addicts appear to be focused mainly on themselves. Typically they:
-are sexually compulsive outside of the relationship
-are intimacy avoidant
-use coping skills which create distance
-lead a double life
We typically think of the spouse or partner of the addict on the other hand as the codependent:
-fearful of abandonment
-enmeshed and preoccupied with their partner
-emotionally constricted or volatile
-subject to self-doubt and insecurity.
And yet most married sex addicts entering treatment (more often they are men but by no means always) exhibit exactly these signs of codependency. They may exhibit them more than their supposedly “co-addict” partners.
Well, hell. That kinda explains why I spend so much time fretting over everything BUT my recovery.
My codependency was something I knew was a major problem in our marriage. I just didn’t know how big. Come to find out, all consuming.
THIS is why I have to stop over intellectualizing my problems. I have to deal with the pain.
I’ve NEVER been a part of a healthy relationship. I’m not capable of that, yet…I hope.
I’ll be damned if I’m not going to try and conquer this.