High Hopes

I have been ashamed of myself over the past 8 months. At the beginning it was a mere puddle shame that my marriage was falling apart and I knew it was due to my open addiction. Then the shame grew into an ocean of shame due to my infidelity. I had betrayed my best friend, the one I love in the most personal of ways.

While I still experience very real and incredibly powerful periods of shame, it is time to move along. Living in my shame has only made my life miserable. That has made the lives of others around my pretty tough. That MUST end and it must end now.

What is needed now is healing and growth. I am choosing this path because any other path leads me away from my goal. My goal being an extraordinary marriage that will touch the lives of others experiencing the same pains and traumas My Bride and I have shared. I don’t know if she desires this path or not, we aren’t in a place where she can share that type of thing with me. Hopefully we can get there soon.

The words of the old Frank Sinatra song puts my goal into a good light.

But he’s got high hopes
He’s got high hopes
He’s got high apple pie
In the sky hopes

I do have high hopes. What’s the purpose of aiming at something easy? When We accomplish something I want it to mean something to us. I want to be able to say ‘That was freaking hard work to get here, but I wouldn’t choose anyone else in the world to do it with.’

My Bride is my best friend, my soul mate, my lover and my muse. While she doesn’t return most of those things right now, I have those high hopes that she will. And I admit that moving forward with those feelings unreturned IS difficult. However, I am beginning to believe that I CAN make it if she doesn’t come along, and that is huge for me.

But he’s got high hopes
He’s got high hopes
He’s got high apple pie
In the sky hopes

Babydoll, if you need time to join me, that’s cool. If you want to see if this is real before you join me, I understand. We’re going through hell right now. A pastor of ours once said, “If you’re going through hell, don’t stop.” Well, there we are. There’s nobody else I’d be willing to take this journey with. I’m honored and excited that you’re willing to go with me.

You’ve been supporting me your whole life. It’s time for me to return the favor. To quote someone very close to me, “I’ve got your back if you’ve got mine.”

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Marriage Issues, Progress, Recovery and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to High Hopes

  1. Shayna says:

    I think shame is one of the worst feelings around – no reason to be ashamed. you are human, you make mistakes. we all do. it sounds like you are really committed to change and that is very admirable. keep shooting for the stars 🙂

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