Healing Through Love Songs

There are songs, intended or not, that have incredibly deep meaning.

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ‘coz you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me

That is a really good summation of my current situation. My Bride has been my strength. She has shown me that there truly are a few things about me that aren’t horrible, they’re actually positive. She has been propping me up through my massive depression over the past 5 years. I am becoming who she needs me to be because she loves me and won’t let me sink myself anymore.

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. – Mother Teresa

This is an area that I need to work on. I have always been self-absorbed narcissistic. My needs have to be met before I can even think about meeting the needs of My Bride. The past 6 months are a prime example. Because of my past transgressions, she hates sex right now. Yet somehow I have the nerve to ask her for sex, I NEED it from her.

My need was coming before hers.
Not cool.

So it has become time to meet her needs. I have to support her. I have to make our relationship a safe place to be. I have to give her the space she needs. I have to love her without physical contact.

Crazy as this sounds, those are painful things for me to think about. I’ve always put myself first. I have to make a new way of life for us to heal. I want her to know that I am putting every ounce of effort into our marriage. I’m tired of having and causing hurt.

All of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

Eventually I will be able to give all of myself to her. I have to conquer my selfishness first. One day, soon I hope, My Bride will be able to give all of herself to me again.

To know your spouse wants to give themselves to you is an incredible feeling. There was a time that she did give all of herself to me. But as my narcissism grew, her giving of herself shrank.

As a result of my mental issues, we have to recreate our relationship. Abuse led to XYZ. XYZ led to porn usage. Usage led to addiction. That led to a coverup. That led to a double life. That led to keeping secrets. That led to moving us further and further apart. That led us to not give much of ourselves to each other, we had to protect ourselves from further pain and injury.

Time to heal.
Time to think of someone other than myself for a change. THAT is something I’m dedicating myself to from here on.

Will we ever recover?
I dunno. I do have pretty high hopes though. I know we both want to be married. I know we both want to love and respect each other.

The old cliché is, “where there’s a will there’s a way.” I’m hopeful that we both have the will to do
Whatever it takes to become extraordinary.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Marriage Issues, Progress, Recovery and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Healing Through Love Songs

  1. You have some incredibly unfair expectations of a very hurt woman. If she was in a terrible accident a few months ago and her hip was completely shattered, would you expect her to run a marathon just because she used to be able to? Because YOU think she should? Because YOU know best? Because it defines who YOU are? What do you think your disclosure was like for her? Just because she isn’t laid up in a hospital with massive physical wounds doesn’t mean it won’t take YEARS to heal the wounds caused by your actions. In fact, it will probably take longer that a physical trauma and be much harder work. It will impact every aspect of her life.

    She could be at the grocery store and someone catches her eye, and she will wonder if that is your preference and be triggered. She could be at the park with the kids and someone gossips about a friend cheating and she will know all too well the pain, humiliation, helplessness, and hopelessness and leave to throw up and sob. She could be at dinner with you and someone comes in wearing revealing clothes and she will immediately hate this place, get anxious, watch your eyes to see what you see, pray that you can be distracted, and then spend the rest of the meal checked-out because there is a chance you will see. She may not be able to do your laundry for fear of finding evidence. She will think of a “good” time in your relationship only to have it violently replaced with the knowledge that you weren’t being faithful during that time. She will tell a friend who doesn’t understand why she stays and says “if it were me, I would have killed him/cut his dick off/left him.” She will wonder if she is going crazy because she has no one to talk to that isn’t the addict. She will treat herself badly and the kids even worse because she feels like she can’t get angry with you. While this is more my story, many women I know that have sex addict partners have experienced very similar things.

    I know you keep writing your intention of letting her be her, and take her time, but at some point, living those words must happen. And another piece of advice that was given to me, albeit incredibly hard to hear, was that I had to give up on my marriage. I could only be responsible for me. I can’t have a marriage with someone that isn’t available. Once I gave up on saving my marriage, I got better. I wonder how much better you could be if you gave up focusing on her and saving your marriage. By focusing on her and your marriage, your are obfuscating your pain, the work you need to do on/for you, and trying to control something that you will NEVER have control of.

    • MyJourney says:

      What the fuck are you talking about!? Not ONCE in this post did I even remotely hint that I thought she had any problems in this regard. The ENTIRE post focused on how I have to heal and grow so we can heal and grow.

      There was a time in which your comments would have been very appropriate. That time has passed. I am not putting some kind if unfair expectation on her. Unless you think, “I will eventually be able to give all of myself to her, but first I have to conquer my selfishness” is speaking about her.

      It seems to me that you are projecting YOUR issues onto me.

      I’m not sure how much, if anything, I write you read clearly. My writing of giving her time and letting her be her is fucking happening.

      Several of my last posts spine directly to your final point. I ACCEPTED the fact that I was trying to fix her instead of dealing with my shit. Make no mistake, I am NOT obfuscating my pain, quite the opposite. I am very much in touch with my pains. I haven’t dealt with them, yet. That’s my next step.

      Please, before you rip my ass again, read a few other posts and see if there has been some kind of acknowledgement or growth on what you intend to skewer me over.

      Your comments were overly aggressive and unfair.

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