There are songs, intended or not, that have incredibly deep meaning.
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ‘coz you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me
That is a really good summation of my current situation. My Bride has been my strength. She has shown me that there truly are a few things about me that aren’t horrible, they’re actually positive. She has been propping me up through my massive depression over the past 5 years. I am becoming who she needs me to be because she loves me and won’t let me sink myself anymore.
I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. – Mother Teresa
This is an area that I need to work on. I have always been
self-absorbed narcissistic. My needs have to be met before I can even think about meeting the needs of My Bride. The past 6 months are a prime example. Because of my past transgressions, she hates sex right now. Yet somehow I have the nerve to ask her for sex, I NEED it from her.
My need was coming before hers.
So it has become time to meet her needs. I have to support her. I have to make our relationship a safe place to be. I have to give her the space she needs. I have to love her without physical contact.
Crazy as this sounds, those are painful things for me to think about. I’ve always put myself first. I have to make a new way of life for us to heal. I want her to know that I am putting every ounce of effort into our marriage. I’m tired of having and causing hurt.
All of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you
Eventually I will be able to give all of myself to her. I have to conquer my selfishness first. One day, soon I hope, My Bride will be able to give all of herself to me again.
To know your spouse wants to give themselves to you is an incredible feeling. There was a time that she did give all of herself to me. But as my narcissism grew, her giving of herself shrank.
As a result of my mental issues, we have to recreate our relationship. Abuse led to XYZ. XYZ led to porn usage. Usage led to addiction. That led to a coverup. That led to a double life. That led to keeping secrets. That led to moving us further and further apart. That led us to not give much of ourselves to each other, we had to protect ourselves from further pain and injury.
Time to heal.
Time to think of someone other than myself for a change. THAT is something I’m dedicating myself to from here on.
Will we ever recover?
I dunno. I do have pretty high hopes though. I know we both want to be married. I know we both want to love and respect each other.
The old cliché is, “where there’s a will there’s a way.” I’m hopeful that we both have the will to do
Whatever it takes to become extraordinary.