“The trouble is, you think you have time.” – Buddha
THAT is a disturbing quote
One of my bigger issues I face in my recovery is time. I want things fixed and I want them fixed now. Be it my addiction, my many mental issues or my marriage, nothing is happening quickly enough.
Something My Bride has said frequently is that whatever she does is never good enough. I’m embarrassed that I have had to agree with that statement. She shows an ounce of effort toward intimacy and I gripe that it’s not enough.
Dude, she’s trying. Chill the hell out.
There are many times most of the time I focus on the negative aspects of my situation. I’m a sex addict, I’m bipolar, I’m borderline personality, I cheated, she doesn’t respect me….While those are all true, they are not the entirety of my life. There ARE positives in my life.
• My Bride has chosen to stay with me even though I’ve given her every reason/chance to bail.
• My Bride loves me. I don’t know how or why, but it’s true.
• My children love me.
• People care about me.
• I’m not a bad person.
• I AM a good person.
• I have issues, so does everybody else
• I’m intelligent.
• I am trying to change for the better.
• My Bride wants to want me.
That’s a smallest of positive things. I’ve read/heard that one cannot focus merely on the negative. There is no healing when we focus on only negativity.
Issues To Work On
Last year I became a Muslim (I got better, I’m Christian again). From the middle of January, 2013 to the middle of July, I did not watch porn, masturbate, ogle women, think about unholy sexual things. There was no extracurricular desire within me.
I was following the philosophy and instructions of Islam as closely as I could.
• Pray 5 times a day
• Turn all thoughts to pleasing God.
• Lower your gaze (don’t ogle women).
• Honor your parents
• Honor your spouse.
Those were the best times of our relationship. Better than dating, courtship and early marriage.
I had realized that marriage is a 3-way relationship- man, woman and God.
It’s interesting how all of that fit together and when I stopped, our marriage went to shit again.
In going to resume those practices from Islam but from a Christian perspective. I will pray 5 times a day on the same schedule as Islam. I will lower my gaze. I will honor My Bride. I wi honor my parents. I will make God the focus of my life.
If it worked a year ago, I’m confident it will work again.
I had followed a plan with my heart and soul. It’s time to return to that place.