Kissing To Build

One if my favorite activities. We used to kiss quite a bit and it was splendiferous. The feel of her lips upon mine, the wetness of the kiss showing the level of passion, the warmth of our mouths together. What an incredible feeling. Whoever came up with kissing was a bloody genius.

Tragically, My Bride thinks of kissing as a sexual act. Sexual acts are STRICTLY verboten in our marriage. Any sexual activity floods her mind with my devious and disgusting activities from my past. She says she can see me in the act, and that’s not a really good thing to think of your husband doing.

Sure, we have a peck every time one if us leaves for something. I try to make those pecks last as long as possible. Conversely, she tries to make them as short as possible.

Do you have a problem with kissing?
Why? What’s wrong with it?
Kissing is ok. I don’t want to make out.
Why not?
It’s sexual and I can’t do sexual things.
Why not?
It makes me think of what you did.
What do you mean?
Yeah, what are you talking about?
I’m not going to say it or go into it.

Major Issue
Kissing is a way of showing love. From an excellent article on marriage building:

When you kiss your spouse, you are affirming their worth and letting them know that they matter to you. Your kiss says, “I love you.”

From the same blog, here’s a great post on actions being more important than feelings:

If you want your marriage to not only succeed, but to thrive, then this simple phrase will save you from heartache and propel you closer to each other: actions trump feelings.

How many times have your heard other couples (and perhaps yourself…?) say something like:

“I don’t feel in love anymore.”
“My feelings have changed.”
“I don’t feel happy any more.”
Couples who quit acting loving and caring will eventually stop feeling the emotions that accompany those actions. Think about it…why do actors who play love scenes often fall for each other in real life? Because they are spending time together, they gaze into each other’s eyes, they “act” loving…and the feelings follow.

We have watched too many couples drift apart because one or both persons stopped acting loving until they finally “felt” loving. And most often the feelings didn’t come back.

Frankly, that’s immature thinking and a worldly perspective of love. Consider the love Christ showed on the cross: he told his Father he didn’t want to do it (“Take this cup from me….”), But out of love his actions trumped his feelings—and it’s a good thing for us that they did!

In your marriage, your feelings will follow your actions. Start with doing the right thing(s) and over time your emotions will kick in as well. Here are three simple things to remember when it comes to your actions trumping your feelings:

Decide vs. Deny

You have the choice: you can deny doing what is right because you don’t feel like it, or you can decide ahead of time to let your actions trump your feelings. Make the decision now to do what is right regardless of how you feel. For men and women this can include:

Saying encouraging and affirming words
Choosing forgiveness
Making love
Taking vacations
Helping at home
Romantic gestures: a touch, hand-holding, kiss, sitting close
You get the idea. Decide in advance that you will act rightly regardless of your feelings.

Step up vs. Sidestep

The next decision to act is to follow-through…immediately. Hesitating, second-guessing, pausing—will usually lead to side-stepping the opportunity to act rightly. When we side-step we are actually avoiding an emotional engagement with our spouse and creating emotional estrangement from our spouse.

So when you are prompted, either by your spouse or by personal conviction, step up to the opportunity to actively show love based on your prior decision to do so.

Persevere vs. Pause

There will come a point when you will wonder, “Is this worth it? I’m not getting the response I expected from him/her.” And you’ll want to pause and suspend acting rightly.

Remember, your doing what’s right isn’t motivated by getting a response from your mate. That would be manipulation. You are doing it because it is the loving thing to do.

Let your actions trump your feelings, and watch the change that happens in your heart as you build your marriage!

“Decide in advance that you will act rightly regardless of your feelings.”
I am real bad about letting my feelings dictate what I say and do. I don’t let myself do the right thing because if it.

“When we side-step we are actually avoiding an emotional engagement with our spouse and creating emotional estrangement from our spouse.”
This is a biggie in our relationship and it must be fixed. Since we tend to side-step issues we are keeping ourselves from connecting emotionally.

There will come a point when you will wonder, “Is this worth it? I’m not getting the response I expected from him/her.” And you’ll want to pause and suspend acting rightly.
This is a huge problem for me. I find myself, more than a few times, wondering why I’m trying to make changes when My Bride doesn’t respond to those changes. Are the changes worth it? Will our situation ever improve? Will intimacy return to our marriage? Will she ever want to engage me romantically again?

When I’m hit with these issues, I have to continually remind myself, our marriage will NEVER be rebuilt until she has begun to heal. She says she is just now going through the grieving process and I believe that 100%.

This all brings me back to the original point, kissing. Since it’s one of the most important ways to show love to another and we need to set feelings aside and act how we want our relationship to become, it only makes sense that My Bride and I need to cross that bridge of discomfort.

This is NOT me telling her what she needs to do. This is me, thinking writing aloud, my take on what needs to happen.

There will come a time when she will have to confront her images and thoughts about me doing what I did and push through to the other side. She must conquer those images/thoughts.

I don’t believe there is any therapy in the world that can do that for her. That is something she has to do by herself. I think of it as her completing her Jedi training.

As for me and the plethora of issues I have to address…Shit. I cannot allow myself to procrastinate. I must tackle ALL of my issues daily.

There are MANY times I put my recovery in the backseat, and that’s the exact opposite of what I’ve been instructed to do. The Good Doctor told me, in our very first session, that my recovery is the most important thing in my life. More important that relationships, jobs, marriage, children or anything else you’d like to lump in there. “Nothing is more important than your recovery. It is put next to you in the front seat.”

So codependent me decides he has to ensure My Bride is making progress. HER recovery is more important. Our marriage is more important.

Wrong and wrong

If she dies tonight, I still have to recover. If she kicks me out for good, I still have to recover. If she decides intimacy will NEVER be a part of our marriage again (deal breaker), I still have to recover.

I caused her estrangement, for her to not trust me, not respect me or want to be around me. That doesn’t mean I get to be a part of her healing. That’s HER issue. I’ve my own problems to workout. “Take care of your side of the street” is a 12-step mantra. As much as it pains me, that is a VERY true statement.

If My Bride wants me to be a part if her recovery, great. Otherwise, I have to deal with my codependency and leave her the hell alone.

I want her kisses
I need her kisses
I need passion for me
I need her deep kisses
I need to gaze into her eyes
I need her intimacy
I need to feel her warmth
I need to feel her heartbeat

I’m supposed to meet my own needs. That list above is made up of things I cannot do on my own.

Eventually I might have those needs met again. Sex isn’t the goal here. I want her passion. I truly hope it comes back.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in emotion, Marriage Issues, Progress, Recovery, Sex, Sex Addiction and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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