There are a few things that truly hit me viscerally. It would seem that any interaction with My Bride that is deeper than, “Hey, what’s up” is on that list.
Yesterday, My Bride td me she had made plans to hang out with her sister and get some sun. Like a complete jackass, I let slip that this was hurtful to me.
I ask My Bride, many times, to do things with me. I don’t care what, I just want to spend alone time with her. A walk in the yard is totally fine, as long as we’re together. I’m turned down on my request every time it seems. I cannot think of a single time in 2014 that I’ve asked her to do something with me and she agreed.
She says I’m jealous.
“No I’m not. I just want you to give me some time too.”
In other words…I’m jealous.
So, yeah, I am jealous.
My Bride doesn’t want to hang out with me. She doesn’t want me to touch her and kissing, beyond a peck, that’s strictly verboten.
I would like to have some kind of indication that she likes me. Not as a lover, as a human. I truly don’t feel like she even wants to be my friend right now.
We had a lengthy discussion about this. I won’t bore you with the details. Just know she doesn’t feel safe around me. I asked what that meant.
“It’s not a physical safety thing. It seems every time we spend time together, we fight.
I dispute that in a major way. That’s a gross overstatement and not actual reality. BUT, perception is reality.
I understand, now, why she doesn’t want to hang out with me. It’s a sentence to pain.
My solution is simple: spend time with me and I don’t have anything to bitch about.
I don’t think she’s cool with that yet.
During our conversation I had tears streaming down my face. It’s that pesky visceral reaction.
After our discussion, I started telling her I didn’t want to go through our Easter plans. We are to go over to my paren’s home. That’s a bad thing right now.
“Every time I see mom, I’m affected in a major way.” Whenever I interact with mom, it’s a huge problem. I relive my childhood abuse over and over. I have panic attacks. I have nightmares.
As I explained everything I broke down. I calmed down for about 9 seconds and tried to speak again. THEN the breakdown really began. I couldn’t speak. I was a mess.
My Bride came over to comfort me. I told her to stop. “You don’t want to touch me, stop.” She did just that. She got up and left the room.
I’m very sad I let that happen.
Last night, when we finally got to bed, something amazing happened. She put her hand on my back and caressed me. I immediately broke down. After a few minutes I rolled over, my leg was hurting. She moved away some. I couldn’t stand it. I told her I was going to break a rule. I snuggled up to her, lay my head on her chest and fell asleep. It was tremendously comforting.
When I allow my thoughts to run away from me unattended, I fall into suffering. When I keep things in check, she accepts me and I’m comforted.
How do I keep it in check?
I have no fucking clue, but I have to learn. It’s too big of a carrot. Ice spent all of my previous years allowing the equally big stick to rule over me.
I must learn control.