Spiritual Wilderness

Today is the first time I’ve been to church in 2 months. I’m kind of bummed about it.

I asked My Bride to come with me and she wouldn’t. “Maybe next time. I’m just having a hard time with that right now.”

That’s fair.
I don’t know what the problem is. Whenever she wants to share, I’m here to listen when she’s comfortable.

I go to what is defined as a mega-church. There are 3 Sunday services that each have over 1500 in attendance. When I got here, late, there was nowhere to sit. So I’m in the lobby listening through the door. I’m less than involved.

There’s another problem though.

Back in late December or early January I answered an altar call. For the first time in my life I had been emotionally broken at church. I had become putty, ready for God Almighty to mold me however He saw fit.

When I arrived in the prayer room I took my seat and patiently waited my turn. It was very busy.

30 minutes later, I noticed I was the only person still sitting in the room. Everybody else was gone except the workers that were cleaning up. By now I had texted My Bride telling her the situation. I asked her to come in with me.

A lady comes up to me a few moments later and asks if she can help me with anything. “Yes, I’ve been sitting here for over 30 minutes and nobody has spoken with me.”
“Hey, Bill. Can you come help this guy?”

By now My Bride had sat beside me.
Bill sits across from me and asks what I need.

There is nothing Bill could have said that would pull me back to where I was. I was no longer broken. My heart had hardened and broken simultaneously.

The greatest fear I have is to be abandoned. Here, at church, my greatest fear had been realized. In the house of God I had been abandoned and forgotten.

Bill tried. He asked what I needed. I said something, I don’t recall what. Bill looked at me and told me he sensed great anger.

No fucking shit, Bill.

So I have that experience constantly hitting me about the head.

My problem, with church, ends with pride. Last week I received a voice mail from the church. “This is Patty with Pastor XX’s prayer line. Please call us back if you need anything.”

The prayer line belongs to the pastor? Wouldn’t that need to belong to the church?

I received another voice mail a few days ago. Same message.

Here’s why this is a problem.
People are hurting. People need help. Here’s this pastor guy, with his sermons on tv 5 days a week. He speaks on his show about the great things God is doing through him. Then he drones on about his personal project and how tremendous it is.

Maybe it is. It smacks of arrogance to me.

This is made worse during his sermons. “The wife and I are doing…” is said EVERY time. He speaks to how he doesn’t need to do XYZ anymore, it’s not his job.

I sent an email to the ENTIRE pastoral staff crying out for help. 1 guy responded. Even after his response it took 8 weeks to even speak with him.

The meeting was worthless by then.

So I’m in a spiritual wilderness.


About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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3 Responses to Spiritual Wilderness

  1. chinaskie says:

    Would it be idiotic of me to suggest a smaller, less “commercialized” fellowship?

    • MyJourney says:

      Are you suggesting something sensible?

      Hehe, I had decided to do that as I was writing. The good thing about that church is you can be lost in the crowd. The bad thing is you can be lost in the crowd.

      We went to a tiny church from high school until 2-3 years of being married. She had gone there her entire life. The problem with those churches are they lean on you very heavily to contribute your talents. You end up working instead of worshiping.

      We’re starting to look for a balance.

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