Patterns and tendencies develop over 20+ years of marriage. The way we speak to each other. How we argue. The way we handle stress. How frustrations are processed and dealt with.
It was about 2 years into our marriage that I learned how My Bride handles her anger. She will become incredibly pissed over something and say nothing of it. Weeks or months will go by as I continue to do whatever it is that pisses her off. Eventually she will become so mad, she dumps it all on me at once.
I tend to handle this very poorly.
I will hear what she says, become instantly defensive and try to fight my way out. This is obvious the wrong thing to do. It still happens. Whenever this situation happens, she becomes incredibly frustrated with me.
My wife’s favorite name to call me is asshole. Anytime she becomes thoroughly pissed off and frustrated with me, she pulls out her pet name for me. During our monster month long fight, I was called asshole a few times.
This is the one thing I can point to as the single most hurtful thing My Bride does to me.
It’s a trigger.
Am I an asshole?
Probably, I’ve been told I am many times. I know I do shitty things. I know I say hurtful things. I know I have put myself first most of my life.
Ice been called a jerk, a dick, smart-ass, selfish (that one is true), a large assortment of names.
Why does that name hurt so much?
I think it’s because that’s the one that is used over and over.
I know she doesn’t really think I’m an asshole, she wouldn’t be with me if she did. I think.
Here’s where I think things hit me:
I was called worthless, a liar, a cheater, not good enough and many other names growing up. Being called names has an extreme effect on me. So when My Bride, the person I love more than any other, calls me an asshole, it stings. It stings hard and I believe it.
My Bride is the smartest person I know. She is intelligent beyond comprehension. I wish I could display a tenth of her ability. There have been very few times that she has been wrong about something. So when she says something, I accept it as true.
You’re such an asshole
Ok, I’m an asshole.