I am bi-polar and I have the awesome tendency to radically cycle from high to incredibly low in mere moments. Often times within the same day. With my addiction that is highly significant.
Most of the time I have no idea what triggers me. I do know that I have to be incredibly cautious whenever I’m in a depressed state. Over the past 6 months I’ve been depressed.
• Intense situations
• Negative thoughts
• Self-defeating thoughts
• Highly emotional arguments
• Overly aggressive, pissed off people at my kid’s sporting events
• Negative outcomes
Some of that might sound dumb. Of course self-defeating and negative thoughts trigger me. Obviously negative outcomes do me in. My point is, I learned what some of my triggers are. There was a time I didn’t even know that much.
The thing that truly sucks is, I spend quite a lot of my time stewing in negative thoughts or kicking my own ass. My Bride doesn’t say it very much, but she has been known to tell me I have pity parties. That’s totally true. It sucks too.
People that don’t have these issues can’t possibly understand what those of us that do go through (that sentence sucked btw). They say things like:
You control your thoughts.
Choose to focus on the positive.
Choose to ignore negativity.
You choose to be like this.
You choose to feel sorry for yourself.
You need to try and be happy.
Ok, I’ll get right on that.
Those comments, while well intentioned, are really shitty things to say. It’s the exact same thing as saying, Just stop being depressed.
My Bride does this to me frequently. She knows better than to do it, she’s a mental health professional. In our last marriage session, she said she doesn’t want to be around me because I’m so negative. As if I’m choosing to feel shitty about things.
I do not wake up every day and say to myself, “Dude, let’s make ourself feel like shit today. That sounds like a wicked-awesome thing to do.”
Do people actually think I do that?
Do they think I’m that big of an ass?
I did not choose to become an addict.
I did not choose to be who I am.
I did not choose to be abused.
I did not choose to be molested.
I do not choose to be depressed.
I did not choose to be bi-polar.
It’s crazy, I did not set out to make this into a bitchy post, but here it is. I find it fascinating how my mind flows from one intention, explain triggers, and ends up moving in a totally different direction. Very interesting.