Intimate Discovery

Part 1

I was perusing a few blogs and came across a GEM of a post concerning intimacy. This post defines intimacy and gives a short blurb about each type.

I will be providing the content of that, and one other, post and adding my own commentary relating it to my situation.

What is intimacy?

The feeling of being in a close personal and affectionate association and belonging together… of a bond that is formed through knowledge and experience of the other…
Right away I see a problem with that entire sentence. We don’t fit that description at all.

Recent research shows there are different areas of intimacy.

Intellectual intimacy

On this level, you can converse with your partner about current events, share ideas and thoughts, even debate political and religious topics. Both of you are able to add to the conversation through exchange of thoughts and ideas.

I would say the is the one level of intimacy we still share. When we stay away from the topic if us, we converse quite well. However, even in this area, My Bride keeps her cards close to the vest. I don’t get her full opinion on subjects that would require a seriously deep connection.

Recreational intimacy

This is about recreational activities that the two of you enjoy participating in, whether individually, or together.
Yeah, we don’t do this stuff all. There are no recreational activities. Her idea of a good time is chilling out at the house. Unless her sisters want to go somewhere that is.

Social intimacy

It’s totally okay for you to have your own friends, and he have his, as long as the two of you have some “common” friends. Couple friendships can be an added bonus to a relationship by being a sounding board, providing feedback and accountability.
We have exactly zero common friends. We used to, but that was a long time ago.

Spiritual intimacy

This is where you, as a pair, grow deeper together. While this area of intimacy is the most subjective, due to the various religious backgrounds and practices you may have, it is still a very important component. In my opinion, it’s one of the most important, since a blossoming relationship is spiritual in nature at its core.

I agree that this is a very important part of a relationship. The only time I recall having a strong spiritual connection with My Bride was during our courtship and very early marriage.

Emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy is a psychological event that happens when the trust level and communication between two people is so deep that it breeds the mutual sharing of each other’s innermost selves. It is unrestrained mutual self disclosure.

In our most intimate relationships, we expect to be accepted as we are, respected, worthy, and even admired in the eyes of our mate. We would like our relationship to be a safe haven for us when we are worn and tired. We want a place of compassion and support.
And here is the part that was destroyed completely. She has neither trust or respect for me. She does not share her thoughts or feelings. There is no doubt, there is no admiration for me. She does clearly does not view our home as a safe place.

Physical intimacy

Sexual expression is part of our hard-wiring and can be both exhilarating and invigorating for a couple, use in the right context.

It’s important to realize that having a sex life doesn’t have to mean having sexual intercourse. Intimate contact of any kind with your spouse is what is important and necessary. Human beings are by nature sexual creatures with an innate desire to touch, cuddle and feel.
This is the other area that was destroyed. I agree that a sex life does not equate intercourse. It’s the touching and cuddling that matters most to me.

There was a time in which I thought I was being punished. She was totally aware that physical touch is my love language. She was purposely withholding that touch in order to punish me. There was no other explanation. This was before I disclosed my secret life.

I realized, after disclosure, she subconsciously knew of my double life. She knew I was a porn addict. She knew I was acting out with others. She even knew some of the bloody details. She would have never admitted them to herself, but she knew.

Armed with the information she had gained over 20 years, she withdrew from our relationship. Rightfully so I might add. I had indeed made our home an unsafe place for her. It was I that had destroyed our intimate relationship. Her reaction was merely a symptom if my illness.

My Bride is not the sort who would punish her husband. That’s not on her DNA. She will remember what I have done. She will internalize her thoughts and emotions. She will do whatever is needed to avoid pain and conflict. If that means sex is banished for good, so be it. If closeness on all levels needs to be killed, so be it. Whatever it takes.

In recent years, a large number of couples have focused mainly on the physical part of a relationship, reducing intimacy into a series of positions and practices, rather than focusing on holistically expanding a solid relationship in all areas of intimacy.

That sentence describes my thought process, prior to discovery, concerning sex and intimacy. Intimate contact meant sex. It did NOT mean making love. It meant fucking. It meant hersubmitting to my sexual desires. If I didn’t get to put it in her butt, she must not really love me.

Pretty sick, I know.

An essential ingredient of intimacy is allowing your spouse to be himself without striving to conform him to your ideals.

Hmmm, I may have just addressed this. “Do this or you don’t love me” sounds a lot like trying to conform her to my ideals.

In intimacy, we try to grow closer together, not to eliminate the “otherness,” but to enjoy it. Men and women are different and we must not, even with good intentions, seek to destroy those differences.

What keeps us from experiencing intimacy? All of us are egocentric; the world revolves around us. Yet, when we focus on self, we lose intimacy.

Egocentric? Selfish? Self-centered? Yeah, that describes pretty well. Until last November, my entire existence revolved around my pleasure. I focused on me and ignored My Bride. The exact OPPOSITE of what should have happened. Ugh…

The opposite of self-centeredness, then, is love. Love concentrates on the well-being of the spouse. We take time to listen to the thoughts, feelings, and desires of our spouse. We seek to understand and to respond with empathy. We choose to do things with each other, even things that may not be our favorite activities, simply because we want to be with each other.

By definition I was not loving my wife. I did not serve her in any way. Yet I fully expected, nay, demanded she serve me. I did show empathy for things, I think. The overwhelming amount of our married time together was to make me happy. I would try and make her happy if it would also please me. That’s just a wee bit selfish.

The creation of this situation is the greatest regret of my entire life. The fact that more than half my life has been spent constructing this situation adds a tremendous amount if pain to the problem too.

I’m going to try and shorten my posts. I realize I usually write long ass posts. I’m going to start breaking large posts into pieces.

Part 2 will cover solutions.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in emotion, Marriage Issues, Progress, Recovery, Sex, Sex Addiction and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Intimate Discovery

  1. Pingback: Emotional Intimacy Is Not Sexual Intimacy - What is Intimacy?

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