Intimate Discovery Part 2

Going through hell

The following are a set of issues that must be tackled in prefer for My Bride and I to rebuild intimacy.

Becoming intimate includes
Making yourself vulnerable in a trusting, loving, secure relationship, by unmasking yourself.
She is just now being introduced to the real me; and he’s changing (I hope). She has to decide if she’s going to fall in love with this guy and believe he won’t hurt her. Only then can she make herself vulnerable.

Sharing of tenderness, caring, and affection.
(see above)

Sharing of secrets, hidden feelings, and private thoughts
Currently impossible for her.

Mutual respect, recognition, and approval of each other’s need to be a sexual being. In a marital relationship, this shared sexuality ultimately results in loving, sexual intercourse.
Light years away on this.

Sense of closeness and proximity or oneness and unity
(above)

Free will offering and receiving of each other.
Each one of the items above entails the rebirth of trust and respect. Since they do not exist whatsoever, these items will take a very long time to achieve.

Sense that you have a special, unique, and distinct bond joining you and another person.
Outside shared experiences and responsibilities, we do not have this kind of bond whatsoever.

Sense of being in a non-punitive, non-abusive and non-manipulative environment.
Infidelity is a form of emotional abuse. I am guilty and I am ashamed of it. I pray she can eventually get over this and heal.

10 Signs You Are On the Road to Intimacy
You share continuous, honest communication and contact with each other. When you are not together, you are in contact by phone, email, or some other form.
We are kind of close on this one. There are serious trust issues on both sides, but we are honest about most things and are in constant contact.

You have chosen one individual person as primary companion, even when you both have a wide selection of other individuals from which to choose from.
We most definitely chose each other as companions. The rest is bullshit (I’ll explain). She could have any number of men to choose from. She is an unbelievably special woman. I, on the other hand, would have to settle for a stone-cold beast. That process would take serious cajoling or trickery. Perhaps even a caveman style club to the head.

You are more attracted and share a closeness to your partner to the exclusion of others.
I am 100% in line with this item. She doesn’t fit this item at all.

A mutual task to carry out is willingly shared, discussed, and enjoyed together.
80% on this, not terrible.

A sense of humor, fun, flirting, or sense of play and casualness develops in which you enjoy “giving and taking” and are relaxed in each other’s company.
Some of those things fit us. Humor, fun and casualness specifically. The rest used to fit us her, but that was years ago.

You share a sense of privacy and guardedness with your partner, secrets kept just between the two of you. It is not subjected to public scrutiny, criticism, or judgment.
Yeah, maybe we’re ok on this one.

Your relationship is a productive enterprise, resulting in mutual satisfaction, reward, and reinforcement for each other.
Nowhere close.

A sixth sense or other extra sensory facility develops with which you can communicate at a non-verbal level, with no need for words to clutter or detract from the communication.
Her- yes
Me- nope, too self-absorbed

Your relationship has a purpose, a direction, and order to it, that is reasonable, realistic, and healthy for both of you.
Nope

There’s a firm commitment, agreement, or contract with each other, to be mutually supportive, understanding, and accepting of one another.
Firm- yes
Mutually supportive, etc..- no way, not yet.

IS THERE A SOLUTION???
Yep

Hard friggin’ work.
We have to accept each other.
We’ll have to earn trust.
We have to heal our individual, shitty problems.
We GET to learn about each other again.
We GET to fall in love again (I hope she does!!).
I have to continue my recovery in an ever increasing positive way.
We have to be radically honest.
We have to learn to not take the feelings/emotions of the other personally. Especially me.

My buddy from CR says infidelity work takes from 3-5 years minimum.

I can’t think of another person I’d rather go through hell with for.

She inspires me to be the best man I can for her.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in emotion, Marriage Issues, Progress, Recovery, Sex, Sex Addiction and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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