The Deepening

It looks like the top of this hole is miles away. It’s dark down here. There’s a foul, damp and musty odor that seems to penetrate to the essence of my soul. I’m so very tired and alone. Abandoned, rejected and despised by all. This hole is hate, pain and utter misery rolled into one.

It seems like it was just the other day I was enjoying my surroundings. I was seeing the land become reborn with the arrival of spring. There was green grass sprouting anew, birds were chirping and my children had taken to wearing shorts again. My Bride’s loving touch was sublime and all I could ever ask for.

The triggers came. The beautiful and loving touch from My Bride was suddenly not enough. I needed more. I needed much more. I started to backslide. My entire being turned to sexual desires. I wasn’t out to make love. Oh no, it was not a loving desire I had. My desire had turned primal. There was nothing loving about them.

I turned to My Bride and asked her to respond to me. At the end of the weekend, just before going to bed, I let her know that “We need to do it” sometime this week. I thought I had detected a cute smirk on her face. The kind of look that would drive any man mad with desire. But as the week wound down, her playful look had disappeared. I hadn’t noticed, with being self-absorbed and such. I went along like everything was fixed. It had been 5 months since I disclosed. We’ve had plenty of time to heal and move on.

Wrong

My propositions were met with rejections. Each rejection knocking me into my hole of despair. I wasn’t giving up though. I tried again and again. Instead of being rejected, I was ignored. My propositions were met with such an odd response. As we lay in bed looking at one another, she would suddenly avert her eyes. The smile on her face instantly faded, replaced with a blank stare into the distance. After the briefest of moments, she would roll over and silently lay beside me. Our interaction ceased when I asked for sexual contact. It was as if I had pushed her down and repeatedly kicked her.

After a few of these experiences I wrote about it. I received a comment telling me I was, in essence, taking her freshly sewn stitches and savagely ripping them out. I was causing her immense pain by re-opening her mental wounds. That was the dumbest thing I had ever read. Until My Bride confirmed the comment as true.

My hole deepened.

Spring break had arrived and with it my surgical procedures. All was well until the day after surgery. I received no calls and no texts. There were no visitors. I was crushed.

My hole deepened.

Spring break gave way to school again. My initial day back was horrible. My evening became far worse when I tried to have a serious discussion with My Bride. Day after day we talked. It was all about our marriage and how much I suck. That week ran into the next. The conversations turned far more dark. My mental image was taking a beating at my own hands.

My hole deepened.

It all came to a head 3 days ago. Honesty was thrust upon me. She responded to a survey I had given her with brutally honest answers. Upon reading the answers, I took an immediate and dramatic nose dive. The argument, discussion/bitch session was horrid. We had been in this mode for almost 3 weeks. This was the high point and it wasn’t the good kind.

My hole deepened.

The darkness of our ‘discussion’ had the effect of pulling all negative self-thoughts to my attention. I said most of them and experienced them all. It was quite brutal.

This was the most dramatic deepening of my hole. I had bottomed out.

Our therapy session today has somehow placed me back on an upward swing.

I began climbing toward the light this evening.

I hate long journeys and I don’t like long-term solutions. I like quick repairs. Repairing her mental problems shouldn’t take this long, right?

The crappy part of taking a journey with someone is they may not know where they’re going either. Kind of like the blind leading the blind. In our case, the dysfunctional leading the really dysfunctional.

I guess that’s why we have a professional to guide us.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in emotion, Marriage Issues, Progress, Recovery and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to The Deepening

  1. I have been to one meeting. I was extremely intimidated ( being the only woman there). I know you how you feel. I am struggling. Just know that you are not alone. I am fighting everyday. Most days I fail.

    • MyJourney says:

      Meetings suck. I’m told they are necessary and I’m starting to see why. As long as you are trying you are not failing, you just didn’t hit the mark that day. Keep fighting.

  2. chinaskie says:

    As children, when our needs are not met and someone in authority has destroyed our ability to trust, we grow up shielding ourselves from the pain by burying its perceived massiveness from ever seeing the light of day and destroying us. And one tool we use expertly to keep it down is to satisfy our urges as soon as we have them. The work required is a time waster, and the possible pleasure or release is imagined as almost therapeutic. However, it’s only a coping mechanism – one that we devised subconsciously to protect us from our own feelings. This journey can’t be fast. Your being won’t allow it. Take it one day, one hour, one minute. Practice being kind and gentle, both to your Bride and to YOURSELF. You can’t matter to her if you don’t matter to you. If you had a broken leg, would you sit around hoping it would just fix itself, or would you get medical attention and physical therapy to get it healthy? You have much to look forward to. You don’t have to look down the road to see what’s ahead. It doesn’t matter. What matters is taking care of you, right now. πŸ™‚
    And the former commenter was absolutely correct: you are not alone.

    • MyJourney says:

      Your comments are most welcomed. They provide an insight I am incapable of right now and I appreciate that so much.

      In fact, all of the comments I receive are very uplifting. To KNOW I’m not alone is comforting in and of itself.

  3. kit says:

    Here is another husband’s journey that you might find helpful…

    http://recoveringthroughfaith.wordpress.com/2013/10/15/that-day-the-longer-version/

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