Morning came and few words were spoken. Good morning, have a good day and see you tonight were about all that was said. As I was walking to the door, she said “Are you leaving?”
“See you tonight.”
I walked out the door, heartbroken.
We used to hug and kiss when one of us left. Now that touch and kiss are her responsibility to instigate, it doesn’t happen.
I realize that she’s hurting.
I realize why she’s hurting.
I hate myself for all of this.
I would do anything to stop her pain.
I would do anything to stop my pain.
I have doomed us both to our own personal hell. The way I understand things, she feels nothing for me. No compassion, no warmth, no love, no closeness and no desire. She doesn’t want to be around me. Yet she has chained herself to me. “I want to be married to you. I want to experience life with you. Graduations, weddings and the birth of our grandchildren.”
She says she wants me around. I am desperate for her. I want all of the things she said as well. I also want us to love each other. I want us to be close. To hug and hold, to kiss and caress. To look into each others eyes. I want us to make love because it’s Monday and we love each other. I want to travel with her when we are old. I want to hold our grand kids and spoil them along side of her. I want to celebrate anniversaries and birthdays with her. I want to sing her songs and tell her stupid jokes like I used to. I want to look into her eyes and know, without a doubt, that she loves me, wants me and desires me. I want to know that the enormous fire that once burned between us has returned, stronger and hotter than before.
I don’t want much. I want a marriage again. I want her to know, without doubt, that I am completely dedicated to her. That she is my everything and that I can and will do anything for her. I want her to know that her live is the one thing I live for. I want her to know, with no doubt, that giving her my love, protecting her and taking care of her is my life’s mission.
I want happiness for the both of us.
My time of anger has passed.
I want healing for her.
I want healing for us.
I want to begin building our marriage.
I want her.
I want her love.
I want her tenderness.
I want her respect.
I want her trust.
I want her desire.
I want her intimacy.
I want all of her.
I want her to want me.
Is that too much to ask?
Is it too late?
Have things been damaged so much that those wants are impossible?
I’m told that with God, all things are possible.
Dear God, please heal My Bride. Please heal our marriage. Please heal our trust, respect, love and desire. Please build in us a new passion, love, trust and respect. Please relight our fires of desire. Please bring us together with you. Please help us to understand your presence in our lives. Please help us to worship you as you bind us back together.