I received an excellent comment a few hours ago. I had been writing about how I was told to put my marriage on the back burner and focus solely on me.
The comment spoke about NOT ignoring the marriage. It also spoke about my
tendency constant score keeping. “You take your Bride’s inventory” was pretty close to what was said.
That’s totally true.
I truly do list off the things she does NOT do. I don’t write very much about how awesome she is when I’m in the dumps.
Denial is the term I think fits best. I’m hurting, it’s her fault. I’m triggered, it’s her fault. I’m insecure, it’s her fault.
I have lost focus. I am not in the game. I have intentionally sidelined myself by trying to assign blame for my problems to My Bride. The things I said are totally true, but they are NOT the reason for my pain. They are a symptom of my pain.
“Nobody wants to be around you because you’re a buzzkill” was not her condemning me. She was giving me the situation. To use a sports analogy, she was my teammate telling me how I keep screwing the play up. “Dude, you do it like THIS” was all she was saying to me.
The Good Doctor has said a few things I must take heed to. “She means what she says when she says it, but probably not tomorrow” is a biggie. The other major nugget is, “You can’t take her jabs personally. She’s doing the best she can with what she has.”
My Bride does not currently have the ability or capacity to meet most of my needs, right now. Compassion, companionship and intelligence are the major things she supplies me with on a consistent basis. If that’s all she can do, who am I to complain? She is giving me her all with what she has.
The answers to her questions yesterday were incredibly painful to me. But she was honest. She obviously did not intend for me to have access to her exact answers, I’m pretty sure she would have held back a lot. She didn’t. She told it the way it is. THAT is something I desire.
I want to know the situation. My Bride frequently says she doesn’t want to tell me things because of my reactions. Yesterday is a prime example. She told the painful truth. I flipped out.
“I promise I won’t flip out on you if you tell me the truth.”
*Reason 97 why she doesn’t trust me.
After A LOT of thinking, I’m going to try to fight through my negative thoughts. There is no doubt as to who my worst enemy is. I kick my own ass everyday. Many times I down myself hundreds of times each hour. Probably more. My sister told me I have to stop myself in those thoughts and correct them.
I see myself as a terrible person. My Bride says that’s not true. “You’re a great dad” is something she frequently says.
Ok, take her word for it.
When I tell her I’m not, I’m essentially telling her she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
I’m a loser. “God doesn’t make trash and I wouldn’t be with you if you were a loser.”
This is where I have to learn how to trust. That is a massive undertaking. Everyone I have ever given my trust has fucked me over. Everyone.
Why would I trust someone? They’re just going to hurt me again.
Interesting that this is the EXACT same thing My Bride says about me. “You’re just going to do it again and hurt me even more.”
She has more than 20 years of history to back her up.
For me to heal I must learn how to trust myself. I must learn how to love me. How to like and respect the guy in the mirror. Until I accomplish that, there’s no hope for My Bride to do it.
This entire healing/rebuilding centers on trust. Everything else will fall into line when trust has been earned.
I have a shit-load of work to do. There is someone I have to kill and it must be done quickly.
Those of you reading this, keep me in your prayers. I’ll take ANY support that is offered.