I don’t know how.
I don’t know why.
Somehow I was triggered.
That’s pretty damn obvious. This all began 3+ weeks ago. I’ve been trying to figure out what happened but I can’t do it.
I know I was deeply hurt that nobody came to visit me after my surgery. I was more than hurt when not even my patents checked in on me.
That was after the triggering though.
I distinctly remember hounding My Bride for sex the week before. She wasn’t exactly pleased, but I didn’t care. I wanted to get off and doing it myself wasn’t cutting it.
Is it possible that her rejection was my trigger?
She started telling me, just before it happened, that her rejection was a rejection of the act and not me. I’ve never believed that though. After reading her survey results yesterday, I can never believe that claim.
Back then I had thought of it as possible. There was a slight chance that she was telling me the truth. She didn’t reject me, she rejected sex. I just keep going back to that. Every time I asked she went into a shell. She looked away from me, stopped talking and gave off a beat puppy vibe.
Thinking on it further, I think it WAS her being triggered that triggered me. Seeing her react in the way she did was certainly more than disappointing. You don’t see your spouse react to your sex request that way and not have serious doubts about yourself as a person. At least I don’t.
Where does that leave me?
It’s pretty obvious that being rejected is a major problem for me. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out. Rejection is apparently a major trigger.
When I learned about her thoughts yesterday I was hurt. I was hurt incredibly deep. “I don’t want to be with him, I don’t want him to touch me, I will never respect him again.” Those cut me to the core of my humanity. Never before have I been so hurt.
My solution was simple. I won’t touch you. He has to initiate all touch. If there’s a kiss to be had, she starts it. I tried that a few times earlier. She always talked me out of it. “If it’s a problem I’ll tell you.” I now assume it to always be a problem. “I don’t want him to touch me” sends a fairly strong message.
My solution to us both being triggered is equally easy. She will have to initiate touch, kisses, hugs, caresses and even sexual contact. I know the sex part won’t be happening for the foreseeable months. I had always hoped we could at least make out. Since that would obviously trigger her, that’s off limits as well.
Back rubs- nope
Hand holding- no way
Leg rubbing- no
Playing with her hair (her favorite)- not a chance.
Kisses- no freaking way
This is her responsibility now. I wash my hands of it.