I went to my CR step meeting. I was a wreck. The entire time I was thinking about our last talk. Then we started texting.
I was giving her the reasons she should divorce me. She told me to stop.
When I got home I talked to our group leader. He said I need to stop focusing on my marriage and focus on my recovery.
Ok, I’ll try.
She came in and we talked for a long time. I told her my feelings. She told me she was tired of hearing about them. She wants me to stop beating myself up. That’s why nobody wants to be around you, you’re constantly negative. You’re a buzzkill.
That’s not really news, but it was great coming from her.
“What would you have me do?”
Say nice things about yourself.
“I don’t have anything positive to say about myself.”
Then talk about something else. I’m sick and tired of hearing you down yourself.
So I’m going to give it a shot.
I’ve nothing to talk about. I have only been able to focus on how much I suck. I don’t really see this happening.
“Let go and let God” is the AA cliché.
I guess that means I’m just supposed to magically dump all of my shit on God and everything is going to be ok. Is that how it works? I’d really like some kind of guidance from somebody. It sounds like deep-ass bullshit to me.
When talking to my group’s leader, he told me that since My Bride won’t give me what I need, I have to get my support from my brothers.
That sounds great. I’m pretty sure they won’t be giving me the intimate touching I so desperately desire. I’d bet they won’t be providing the conversation or intimate gazing I need so badly.
The group can do a few things, I guess. My Bride is the only one that can give me what I need. It seems she only does that when I become so desperate I sound suicidal.
Interesting bit, to me at least, is I’ve been having definite thoughts (she knows this btw). I made a few plans, thought out different scenarios. How I’d do it, where to do it and how to minimize the shock.
This time last year I was in a very similar state. I was deeply depressed and made the mistake of mentioning suicidal ideation. I was in the hospital within the hour.
I will never go back.
It’s such a dehumanizing experience. Thinking about the strip search alone brings severe anxiety.
I just spent 30 minutes writing some very horrible things. Stuff that would have likely led to my hospitalization. Since that’s never happening again, best keep that shit private.
2013 was really bad.
2014 looks to be so much worse.
Just think, we’re only 4 months in!!