Back On The Table

Tough day

My therapist asked me to take a test. It’s the SDI-R (Sexual Dependency Inventory). It cost me $100 and took 2 hours to complete. He will share my details when we next meet, 2 weeks. I’m a bit nervous.

When I was completed, I was taken back to the home screen. I noticed a survey for the partners of sex addicts. Naturally, I asked My Bride to take it. “Is anyone going to see my answers?” “Just you and me if you allow me to see them.”

She took the survey.
Ok, there’s no new info here. Here are my results.

She handed the computer to me and I checked it out. There was a graph that scored her results. She has been strongly affected by Broken Trust and Relational Sexual Difficulties. She has had a very strong impact in Sexual Aversion and Body Image Issues.

Those weren’t new concepts.

I scrolled further down the screen. The 11 different categories were listed and specific answers to support the scoring were shown.

I checked it out.
What followed WAS new information.
Sex Addiction – Minor Impact
• Sex messes with her mind

Relational Sexual Difficulties – Strong
• She has no respect for me, doesn’t want sex, doesn’t want to be with me and doesn’t want to be touched by me.

I understand a lot of those. I have an incredibly difficult time with “I don’t want him to touch me.” That is unbelievably painful.

Broken Trust – Strong
• She doesn’t trust me, our trust was destroyed, she was deeply traumatized and she will never be comfortable with me again.

I knew about the trauma. I had no idea about her destroyed comfort level. I had been made to believe trust was being rebuilt; I was wrong.

Sexual Aversion – Very Strong
• She has no sexual desires, thoughts or needs. That part of her is dead.

There’s a lot new here. Come to find out, we DO NOT make love. We have meaningless sex.

“Why did you have sex with me?”
Because I love you and I wanted to be a good wife.

Duty sex. She fucked me out of duty. I’m part of “her job” when it comes to sex.

Devastating.

Knowing that the embraces we shared, the sounds and faces she made were fake and made to make me feel good; absolutely soul crushing.

Again I told her that the lying she does is incredibly hurtful. I have never lied to you. But she has. Repeatedly. By her own admission, during this very conversation, she stated that she stops telling me things when it might trigger me or cause me pain. That is a lie of omission. It pisses her off to no end whenever I have done that. She calls it a lie and I’m in serious trouble. When she goes it, she’s protecting herself from my anger and protecting me from depression.

It’s a fucking lie.

I told her that she has massive issues and she has to get help for them.
“I don’t know that I want to.”
I’ll let you ponder that for a moment.

She has no respect for me, doesn’t like being close to me, doesn’t want me to touch her, has other things on her mind when we are intimate…but she doesn’t know that she wants to fix those issues.

I will not live with that.
I will not be married to someone that feels those things about me.
I will not subject myself (or her) to the pain and agony that will come of those issues being unresolved.

I had said before that divorce is off the table. I do NOT want a divorce. But knowing those feelings and knowing she’s not sure she wants to address them, divorce is not only on the table but it’s one if the only 2 possible outcomes now.

I asked her what she wanted. I don’t know. “I need an answer.” I don’t have one to give you. What do you want? “I want a divorce.”

I said it.
There was a pained look on her face.
I again asked what she wanted. It doesn’t matter, you’ve told me what you want.

I explained how I have no desire for divorce.

Make up your mind.

I explained that I want a commitment. I want to be made to at least THINK she cares enough about me to work on things.

I don’t want sex!
“It’s not about sex! It’s about you not wanting to be near me. It’s about you not wanting me to touch you. It’s about me asking you to commit to 5 minutes each day of us talking and you won’t do it. I want to at least think you care for me.”

After going back and forth a few times, she gave me a pissed off “fine” and reluctantly agreed to spending 5 minutes each day talking.

Just getting her to commit to a guaranteed 5 minutes of dedicated conversation was like pulling teeth.

She told me how sorry she was for taking the survey. “I didn’t know you would see my answers.”
They were on the page. SHE made them available to me.

The thing is, she’s upset that I found out what she had been hiding from me. The exact thing I had been doing before. It devastated her, but it’s keeping pain away when she does it.

That is a massive hypocrisy.

Things MUST begin improving. She cannot continue to hide and evade the treatment of these issues. We cannot and will not survive as a couple.

I stopped viewing us as a married couple a week ago. As things have progressed, especially after today, I only see us as acquaintances. I’m not even sure she’s my friend. Every once in awhile she’s nice to me. Most of the time she tolerates my presence.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in emotion, Marriage Issues, Progress, Recovery, Sex, Sex Addiction and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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